Guns are so 2013
Huffington Post- Police in Portland, Ore., are searching for a man who witnesses say robbed an ice cream store by brandishing a syringe that he claimed was “full of AIDS.” It happened Tuesday night at a Baskin-Robbins in downtown Portland. Katharine Pepin, who was working there that evening, told police that a man in brightly colored clothing entered the store at closing time and pulled out a hypodermic needle, claiming it was infected. “Some guy just walked in and said, ‘This is a robbery. This is a needle full of AIDS,’ and then ‘Open the cash drawer,’ and so I did,” Pepin, 19, told KATU. She said whatever was in the syringe looked like blood. The man escaped on foot with an undisclosed amount of money, but no one was hurt. The suspect is described as a white man in his 20s, 5 feet 3 inches tall and skinny with short brown hair and glasses. KGW reports that this is the second time the store has been robbed in a week. Police told the station that many of the armed robberies in the area involve suspects who use intravenous drugs, like heroin.
I don’t like what this guy did. I love it. What are people most afraid of in the world today? It’s not knives. It’s not baseball bats. It’s not even guns. It’s fucking AIDS. Dying slowly from full blown aids. AIDS are by far the most terrifying thing on the planet in 2014 so it’s the perfect object to use when robbing an ice cream shop. And yeah, guns are right up there too but we’ve all seen videos of people playing hero. Some guy who had an extra cup of coffee that morning isn’t afraid to take a run at a gun-wielding bank robber. What’s the worst that could happen to the guy (minus death of course)? He gets a bullet wound, a trip to the hospital and his face is all over the news calling him a hero and a life saver. That actually doesn’t sound half bad. But a needle full of AIDS? No way. Not a single person is playing hero in that scenario. If you try and get stabbed with it, it’s over. You have AIDS now. Forever. That’s why it’s the perfect weapon to use when robbing any store. Not to mention it’s cheaper. With a gun you gotta buy the gun itself and bullets and figure out how to use. That’s already too expensive and complicated. With AIDS, you just need a needle, which you probably already have, and your own blood. Done and done. Now get out there and rob some shit.
PS- If they ever catch this guy and it turns out he doesn’t have AIDS, elect him president because he’s a god damn genius.
I'm on the edge of my seat over here wondering where they'll go next.
And the Drake Relays promotional tour moves on! First we had high jumpers high jumping in a local grocery store and now we’ve got pole vaulters pole vaulting in a shopping mall. All in the name of Iowa. Just when you think we can’t get any weirder, we go and do something 10 times weirder. Think about it. It was some guy’s job to go to that mall with a tape measurer and make sure it was suitable for pole vaulting. Gotta keep the masses guessing and on their toes. And this is coming after a guy had the idea that we should erect a 10 foot turkey memorial in honor of a few dead turkeys. Never a dull moment in these parts. I know one thing. I’m on the edge of my seat over here wondering where the Drake Relays are going to go next. Maybe shot putting at the local bakery? Long jump at the airport? We’ll all just have to wait and see.
SIOUX CITY, Ia. – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has asked Iowa transportation officials for permission to build a temporary memorial tombstone that they say will honor hundreds of turkeys killed in a recent truck crash. Ankeny resident and PETA member Alex Moore says in a letter dated Tuesday that he wants to erect the 10-foot structure in remembrance of more than 500 turkeys killed in a crash April 12 in Sioux City. The truck transporting the animals overturned. Moore says in the letter that the tombstone, which would be up for a month, would promote a meat-free diet as well as safe driving. The tombstone would be provided by PETA. The letter is addressed to Highway Division Director John Adam. He could not be reached for comment Wednesday.
Wait what? What are we even talking about here? PETA is an easy target for people to beat up on because they’re stupid and don’t eat meat but it’s this kind of thing that makes them a really easy target. A 10 foot memorial for a bunch of turkeys that died is beyond stupid. This PETA guy does realize that those turkeys were on their way to be killed and eaten, right? It might be different (it wouldn’t, unless it was a dog) if this were an animal that wasn’t eaten every single day. But turkeys? There’s a holiday meal based solely around these things. Let’s not go treating these turkeys like they’re humans or something. As humans we’ve earned the right to have memorials. It’s one of the perks we get with being at the head of the table and top of the food chain. If a horrible thing happens to a person or group of people then they get a memorial. That’s how it goes. That’s how we honor people. I don’t make the rules, I just know what they are. When turkeys take over the world, split the atom, build bridges, invent DirecTV and write Seinfeld then they can go right ahead and put up memorials for each other. Until then, no 10-foot tall memorials for a bunch of dead lunch meat.
PS- This the 100% real mock up of what the memorial would look like.
Brutal. That thing sucks. If you’re going to try and get approval to put up a memorial at least make it look cool. Try vegan. Just stop, PETA. You’re embarrassing yourselves.
Happy Thursday. Enjoy your coffee. There’s a few more pictures if you scroll down after you click the link. NSFW link click here. h/t drew
Happy Thursday. Enjoy your coffee. There’s a few more pictures if you scroll down after you click the link. NSFW link click here.
Introducing Channing from the University of Northern Iowa. Our first UNI Panther? Maybe. I can’t remember at this point. Anyway, if it is I’m happy it was Channing. Hot. send all smokes to email@example.com
Click here to view with the old Gallery.
Introducing Channing from the University of Northern Iowa. Our first UNI Panther? Maybe. I can’t remember at this point. Anyway, if it is I’m happy it was Channing. Hot.
send all smokes to firstname.lastname@example.org
Respect the internet
Yahoo!- This man has a serious need for “Speed.” Ryan Beitz, of Pullman, Wash., is trying to collect every single copy of the movie “Speed” ever made on VHS. He’s calling his efforts “The World Speed Project,” and already owns more than 550 copies of the 1994 movie starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock trying to save a bus from exploding. “I realized it was really fascinating to have that many, like, same copies of a thing,” Beitz told Vice.com of his unusual endeavor. “What really cemented it was when I went to another pawn shop, and they had, like, 30 copies. I said, ‘I’ll take them all.’ They sold them to me for 11 cents a copy.” Now he’s even running a Kickstarter campaign to fix up his 15-passenger van to look just like the bus in the movie so he can tour the collection around the nation in super “Speed”-style. “I think ‘The World Speed Project’ is awesome in the truest sense of the word,” Beitz explained. “It’s larger than life. Imagine all of them in one place! It’s uncompromising.”
I HATE this guy. I hate Good Morning America for running a feature on him. I hate anybody who thinks this is a cool idea. I hate anybody who contributes a single cent to his stupid Kickstarter account. I hate all of it. Why so much hate? Because it’s just pure lazy. This guy is one of the pitfalls of the internet. People can do the stupidest thing in the world nowadays and get attention for it. It’s one of the negatives about something that is otherwise the greatest invention in human history. Attempting to collect every VHS copy of the same movie has to be among the stupidest things somebody has done on the internet. What’s cool about that? Nothing. There’s absolutely nothing cool about that. This Ryan Beitz guy just knows that people at a show like GMA will look at what he’s doing, say “Hey that’s whacky!” and put him on camera. It’s pathetic and a little insulting. Bro, maybe try getting attention on the internet in a cool way. Like, I don’t know, starting up a blog about a state that nobody knows or cares about and getting called up to the big leagues by the best blog on the internet. That’d be something to write home about. Not this VHS collecting garbage. A wise man once said “Respect the internet”. Collecting a bunch of VHS tapes under the guise of it being a Freudian experiment isn’t respecting the internet. It’s being a talentless asshole with a serious case of the Look At Mes.
Not totally sure you hate this guy yet? Look at this picture of him.
Just for the record, Speed is an awesome movie.
Fuuuuuuck that. Fuck that everyday. It always amazes me that people do this type of stuff for fun. They voluntarily jumped off that 2,717 foot building. Ya know, just to know what it feels like. Nobody forced them to do it or anything. I’m not wired like that in the least. Some of my friends have asked me if I wanted to go sky diving with them and I almost ended the friendship right then and there. I have enough things to worry about like getting diabetes or having a heart attack. Not to mention I can barely get on a plane where I’m going to stay inside of it the whole time. Jumping out of a moving one just isn’t on the agenda. I like having my feet planted firmly on the bosom of Mother Earth. I could be drugged and dragged to the top of that building, have a shotgun put to my head and told to jump and I’d help the guy pull the trigger.
PS- I’m sure it was just the camera angle but that helicopter looked a little too close for comfort. If I’m jumping from a tall building the last thing I want to have weighing on my mind is the possibility of getting chopped into little bits by a copter blade. I’d be worried enough about flying into the ground at a million miles per hour and turning into putty.