Mirror- A woman was horrified to discover her Facebook pictures were being used on a dating site profile – to look for sex with ‘well hung men’. A fake profile had been set up with images of Verity Cook, claiming to be a former model. The 28-year-old was shocked when a friend sent her to a link to a Plenty Of Fish profile for ‘Vicki’ – which was using five of her photos. Vicki was looking for ’boys which as u say are well hung’. Verity realised the photos were only posted on her private Facebook page - so the imposter had to be one of her ‘friends’. Verity, from York, who is a hair extension saleswoman and former model, said she has no idea who ‘Vicki’ – who also claimed to be from York – is or why they stole her pictures. She said: “It has to be someone I have as a friend on Facebook, but I’ve no idea who, because I’ve got more than 2,000 friends. ”When I saw what they had written about how I like boys who are well hung I was angry – that’s awful.”I think that most people know it isn’t me, but I am from York and I used to do modelling but I don’t brag about it.
Oh gimme a break. I know mock outrage when I see it and this might be the purest form of mock outrage of all time. No way this chick is actually mad that a website was using her pictures to find dudes with big dicks. Sure, she’s acting outraged to her friends and her family and the people who interviewed her for the story. But behind closed doors? She’s loving every second of this. That’s how girls are. I guarantee when her friend texted her being like “Uhhh think I just saw your picture being used to attract guys with big dicks” she responded with an excited and curious “What?!”. Then her friend responded with “Gross, right?” and she had to change course completely and act outraged because apparently that’s the appropriate way to react to something such as this and things snow balled from there. But don’t get it twisted, she loves this. LOVES it. Look at the quote in the article. ”I used to do modeling but I don’t brag about it.” Oooooookay. She doesn’t brag about it but casually drops it in the article. Got it. Loves the attention. She isn’t genuinely outraged in the slightest. Show me a model who hates having her pictures passed around and people looking at them. You can’t. Loves it even more that her pics were being used to attract well hung dudes. If it was a site using her pictures to find dudes with small dicks she might actually be offended. Take the mock outrage elsewhere. It’s called a compliment.
I just wanted to throw this out there in case people were confused about the proper way to steal a car. If you’re gonna steal a car, that’s fine. I’ve stolen tons of cars in GTA and I turned out just fine. Not to mention how are you gonna get to work on time if you don’t steal that Pontiac Grand Prix at the stop light? Your boss already told you if you’re late again then he’s gonna fire you and that simply can’t happen. Bills are due. Booze and weed need to be bought. You can’t get fired. So you decide to punch the driver of the Grand Prix in the face and be on your merry way. I will lend this bit of advice however when it comes to jacking cars. If you’re gonna steal a car, avoid running into any buildings that might collapse upon you ramming straight into it. That’s gonna get you caught and arrested 100 times out of 100. Let’s see, what else. What other car jacking advice can I give. Nope, that’s it. Definitely don’t speed into a building that will collapse on top of you.
Metro- North Korean despot Kim Jong-un has been guzzling pint after pint of ‘snake wine’, with the body of a dead cobra in the bottle – in a vain attempt to restore life to genitals he may not have seen for years due to his vast bulk. Locals believe that the meaty brew increases the size of a man’s manhood - and improves chances of pregnancy. Kim has piled on enormous amounts of weight after bingeing on Emmenthal cheese and Johnnie Walker whisky, and the 31-year-old is struggling to father a child with his lucky young wife, Ri Joi-Su, 22. Kim believes that glugging litres of wine, mixed with rotting flesh and venom could be just the ticket to restore his virility and father a sibling for daughter Ju-ae, two. One South Korean ex-pat said, ‘The elite in the country joke that he is too big to please his wife and that’s why they do not have any other children.’ ‘One senior official said that Kim was drinking many bottles of snake wine to help him in the bedroom department.’
Big fan of this story. BIG fan. Because it makes Kim Jong-un look like a punk ass bitch. Oh you’re the most powerful dude in your country? You’re a vicious dictator who oppresses his own people for personal gain? You’re the big dick swinging in your part of the world? Well let’s see you stick that dick in a woman and make a baby. You can’t. Being a powerful dictator who can’t get a chick pregnant is a bad look. Maybe the worst look. So emasculating. Kim ate too much cheese and drank too much whiskey and now he’s running around shooting blanks. What a loser. I’d say it’s even funnier because his people are laughing behind his back about it but he controls the media so they have no idea it’s happening. For all they know he has a dick the size of the Eiffel Tower and has produced a thousand children. Kim Jon-un is so desperate he’s pounding snake venom wine like college kids pound fire ball. Something tells me that witch craft voodoo potion isn’t gonna turn him into Antonio Cromartie. Maybe we’ll get lucky and it’ll kill him dead.
PS- However, score one for gluttony and being a fat ass if you’re just a normal dude. What’s the last thing a normal guy wants? Exactly. To get the “I’m late” text. There isn’t a worse feeling in the world. So eat all the cheese and drink all the whiskey and you’ll never have to have the awkward conversation with a girl you hooked up with about “WELL WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?”
Double PS- Turns out Kim Jong-un has a 22 year old wife named Ri Joi-Su who he’s been firing blanks into. Roll the gallery of her Instagram pictures!
(Just kidding. It’s North Korea. You actually think there’ gonna be pictures of Kim Jong-un’s wife floating around? Not a fucking chance)
Metro- Yahoo Mail is STILL down after nearly four days for many users – with the internet giant blaming a ship which cut through one of the undersea optical fibre cables that carry its data. Users in America and Britain are still locked out of their Mail accounts, or experiencing extremely slow loading times. Yahoo has blamed another ship which cut through its data cable while fixing a separate underwater data pipe. Such incidents are not uncommon – in 2008, a dragging ship’s anchor was blamed for a cable cut which shut down internet services across large parts of the Middle East and India. Yahoo has said that a repair ship is already on its way to the site, and it is currently rerouting traffic to restore service to its users. Yahoo said, ‘We are aware that Yahoo Mail is slow or inaccessible for some of our users. The issues were a result of an underwater fibre cable cut, caused by a third party while fixing a separate cable. ‘The engineering team has rerouted email traffic to mitigate accessibility issues. A cable repair ship has been mobilised and will be at the site this weekend. ‘We apologise for the inconvenience as we certainly understand email is a critical service for our customers.”
Wait what? That’s a thing that can happen? I didn’t even know underwater cables existed first of all. That’s kinda blowing my mind. And I definitely didn’t know that if a single one gets severed it brings down the whole fucking operation. That’s crazy, right? So it’s just a cable that’s floating underwater like a fishing line and can get snipped by any ol’ passing ship? That’s fucking insane. Get it together, Yahoo. I don’t see this happening to Google, do you? Honestly I haven’t been able to consistently access my Yahoo e-mail for basically two weeks. I thought it was just me but it turns out it’s almost everybody in the world who still uses Yahoo mail. So all 6 of us. It’s hit or miss. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. It really just depends. It makes life as a blogger a lot harder than it needs to be. The sooner Yahoo sends a team out there to put duct tape on that wire the better. I’ve got DraftKings e-mails and contest details I need to access so I can help keep the Barstool lights on.
Oh and I can already see the comments. “Of course the dude from Iowa still uses Yahoo for e-mail” and “Did Google not make it’s way out there yet?” and “Why don’t you just get a Gmail account?” Well I’ll tell you why in one word: Loyalty. Sorry I’m a person who doesn’t head for the door the second the going gets rough. It’s who I am. It’s my nature. I signed up for Yahoo e-mail years ago and I’m not switching. Never. What, just because a fancier and nicer version like Google comes along and that means I’m gonna switch allegiances? Get the fuck outta here. I don’t stab my e-mail provider in the back like the rest of you herd animals. That’s not how I roll. I’m ride or die with Yahoo mail until the wheels fall off. If you think one severed underwater fiber optics cable and me not being able to access my e-mail for a month is gonna force me to abandon Yahoo mail then you just don’t know me that well.
PS- Alright full disclosure. I had to create a Gmail account when I got hired because that’s the way we do KFC Radio and the Rundowns. Such is life when you work for a smut blog. You have to make sacrifices. But let it be known, I don’t use that account for e-mail. I simply use it for Google hangouts to make podcasts where I talk about fucking my cousins and inverted penises. All my e-mail correspondences go through Yahoo.
Crime Tip- When You Set A Building On Fire Don’t Tell A News Crew On Live TV You Set A Building On Fire
Actually you know what? I take back what I said in the headline. This isn’t a bad idea. This is the greatest idea. Carlos is a man of the damn people. He’s like a modern day Robin Hood. Or Omar Little. His willingness to get his hands dirty when the rest of the world refuses to is admirable. Well kinda. Did he put numerous people’s lives at risk by setting an entire building on fire? Sure did. But he did it for the right reasons and that’s all that matters. He set the building on fire and admitted it to a TV news crew because the living conditions were shit and he wanted to draw attention to it. He did it so news crews would come out and cover the story. It’s a tad unconventional but guess what? We’re here right now talking about it. News crews came to the scene and are reporting on the story. I’d say Carlos did a service to the people in that building. The long term gains out weigh the short term losses. Love this quote by the way. “I poured gasoline on the floor, set it on fire and went to buy a drink and came back.” That type of criminal honesty is refreshing in these modern day times. Not only did he draw attention to the shitty living conditions but he also saved hours of police man power by coming clean right away. Carlos. Man of the people to the max.
The look on the cops face when Carlos walked up to him and was simply like, “I set the building on fire” was PRICELESS.
NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Fuck that fish every day. Every damn day. What are we even looking at there? The spawn of the devil. That’s what we’re looking at. This is what is so fucked up about the ocean. We only know like 2% of what actually lives down there (made that stat up but it sounds like it could be close to right). We never know what the fuck we’re gonna find down there. Could be a mermaid, could be Atlantis or it could be a fish that has a devil-looking face and a light bulb screwed to the top of its head that it uses to attract its prey. NOPE. Something about the way it just bobs there in the water puts in on the fast track to Nightmare Town. Just lurking in the darkness waiting for something stupid enough to be attracted by the light on its head. Then curtains. Broken tooth just hanging off its face without a care in the world. Can you even imagine what’s in the deep deep ocean? What kind of ducked up things are swimming in the darkest parts? I’m guessing fish that are about a million times scarier than the Balck Sea Devil guy. Yet another reason never to go anywhere near an ocean. Gross.
PS- Oh, and fuck the explorers who are deep diving and finding these creatures. Nobody wants to see that. You keep knocking on the Devil’s door long enough and sooner or later someone’s (or some fish) gonna answer you. That’s a little Four Brothers for ya.