Now I don’t know where this is because a guy sent it to me on Twitter. But I do know every person that walks by this dude on that street corner has to be feel very comfortable. VERY comfortable. Nothing would make me more comfortable than seeing somebody in a hazmat suit holding up a sign that says “QUARANTINE OBOLA”. Just kidding, I would freak the hell out if I saw this dude. I realize now after my trip to New York City that stuff like this isn’t all that uncommon in bigger cities. Like not uncommon at all. That might’ve been the most stark difference from living in Iowa to spending a few days in New York City. People just doing whatever the fuck they wanted at any and all times (that, and people trying to hand me things). For example, if there was a guy in downtown Cedar Rapids who was wearing what that guy is wearing, we’d call in the FBI. We’d call in the army. We wouldn’t know what to do. The town would shut the fuck down in a matter of seconds and it’d be all over the news. Look at the girls in that picture. They don’t even see him. They don’t even know he exists. Me? I’d be crying.
Tiger’s Ex Wife Bought A Giant $12 Million House With A Golf Course On The Property With Her Divorce Settlement
Curbed- For regular people, break-ups mean doing things like calling up your ex’s mom crying, stealing lawn ornaments, sitting in a car outside of their house, poking voodoo dolls, and keeping records of conversations for future court cases. Rich people are different. If you are Elin Nordegren, former wife of golf star Tiger Woods and generally beautiful Swedish person, then breaking up means a $100M divorce settlement. Nordegren tore down a historic house, bought in 2011 for $12.2M, on her Palm Beach property to essentially build the same exact house with more amenities and huge golf course. TMZ actually titled its article, “Hey Tiger… Keep Your Balls Out of Here.” Poetry. Nordegren has also outfitted her house with a theater, a swimming pool, a cabana, two bunkers (let’s not address that now), and a guest house to complement her nine-bedroom sprawling house. We’re assuming that Tiger will not be invited over to throw the pigskin around—or whatever metaphor about sports is appropriate here.
God damn it. Women, man. They’re diabolical emotional geniuses. Even after getting $100 million in the divorce settlement Elin is still twisting the knife on Eldrick. What does she need a golf course on her property for? Why? Why would she need that? Exactly. She doesn’t. She just wants Tiger to take notice and be like, “Look what I bought with your money. I’m not even gonna use this thing but who gives a fuck? I got money to burn. Your money.” Tiger is laid up with a back injury, he doesn’t have a coach, he hasn’t won a major in a billion years and Elin decides to pile on by reminding him that she took him for nine figures when she used to be nothing but a nanny before she met him. I’ll never forgive Elin. Never in a million years. And I realize Tiger was the one chasing skirts and fucking any Denny’s waitress who bent over to pick up a menu but she robbed us of some of the greatest years of any athlete who has ever lived. The minute she found his cell phone and saw it was filled to the gills with sluts, it was all over. Like she didn’t know Tiger was sleeping around? Please. She knew. She still freaked. Tiger’s emotional edge was gone the minute Elin took a nine iron to his face and he crashed into a tree. He never recovered and he’s won zero majors since that fateful night. And now she’s building giant mansions with golf courses with the money he won and got from endorsements because of that winning. Again, diabolical.
Raw Story- The 1-year-old King Charles Spaniel belonging to a Dallas nurse infected with Ebola has tested free of the virus and will remain in isolation for the remainder of his 21-day monitoring period, the city of Dallas said on Wednesday. “Bentley is doing great! Turns out he likes butt rubs,” Dallas spokeswoman Sana Syed wrote in a recent Tweet about the dog belonging to nurse Nina Pham, who is in good condition at a National Institutes of Health hospital in Maryland. The pet, evacuated from Pham’s apartment, has been under the spotlight after officials in Madrid put down the dog of a Spanish nurse who contracted Ebola while caring for a patient. If Bentley remains Ebola-free, he is likely to be released from Dallas Animal Services, where he is in a special isolation unit under the care of workers wearing protective suits, around the start of November. The city has been sending pictures of the dog regularly to Pham, who is the first person to contract Ebola in the United States.
PHEW. So happy for Bentley and, really, for all of us. Yeah, it sucks humans are getting the Ebola virus and dying and I still think people are down playing the virus too much. But if the Ebola virus started infecting dogs? I would personally start punching Ebola in its stupid face. I haven’t done anything personally to help rid Earth of the virus as of yet (well accept not going outside for long stretches and not getting infected). That would’ve changed had a dog been stricken with the disease. I would’ve jumped into action and started going to West Africa to help people find a cure ASAP. You don’t mess with dogs. You just don’t. Ebola might be an evil virus that’s dead set on killing humans but even Ebola has rules. It’s like the Italian mafia when it comes to families. Feel free to kill a guy, but not the ones around him. Rule #1 for Ebola: Don’t infect dogs because the world needs them. Does the world need humans? Probably not. In all honesty the world would function better if we weren’t around. Less carbon emissions and wars and reality TV. That’s not the case with dogs. Every situation and planet are better off with dogs bounding around. That’s just the way it is. So happy for Bentley and his clean bill of health. Now somebody cuddle that little guy for hours. He needs it.
Food Beast- If you freaked out when the Double Down made its glorious debut back in 2009, then you’re probably losing your mind at the sight of KFC Korea’s monstrous new creation. They call it the Zinger Double Down King. Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, but with a burger patty stuffed in between two chicken patties, it’s still a sight to behold. Like the original Double Down, the breaded chicken still acts as a bun, it just doesn’t look like the same off-kilter boneless chicken breast. The chicken patties pictured seem to have a smoother shape to them. The bacon strips and cheese are still there and still look like they can induce a heart attack. I remember being excited to try the first Double Down back in ’09. I said, “Hey, It’s just chicken and bacon.” But then I ate it, and it made me hate my life. Have at it, Korea.
Well played, Korea. Well played. That’s how you make positive headlines in the news. Wahhhh North Korea is run by a dictator wahhhhhh people are repressed wahhhhhh people live in fear blah blah blah. All of that is forgotten. Kim Jong-un who? Because you know what they have that we don’t? A mother fucking Zinger Double Down King that looks like the best item of fast food ever created. I would live in North Korea for a month if it meant I could scarf one of those things down on a daily basis. No joke. Remember the Double Down? It was two chicken patties with a piece of bacon and cheese in the middle and it was delicious. I’ve eaten a whole bunch of them. So good. Don’t care that they’re bad for me an will send me to an early grave. So good. Who knows, I could get hit by a car tomorrow. Don’t tell me I shouldn’t eat them. Keep your eyes on your own paper. Drink your kale juice and do your hot yoga in peace. The fact remains if you show me a sandwich that uses chicken patties for buns that store cheese and bacon, I’m going to eat it. And how do you make something like that even better? You plop a burger patty between the chicken patties. That’s how. Thanks Korea. Now bring that fucking thing to America already! How did we not think of it first? We’re the heart attack capital of the world. We can’t get beat by a bunch of god damn Koreans. And don’t tell me KFC was testing how it would do in Korea first. I’ll tell you how it’s going to test, through the goddamn roof. How could it not? If I don’t have a Zinger Double Down King in my mouth before November I’m moving to Korea. Fact.
Uproxxx- It sounds like a mystery worthy of Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys: The Case of the Missing Count Chocula! Fans of the sugary seasonal cereal in Fort Collins, Colorado were not amused when they could not find any boxes of Count Chocula at their local grocery store. In the past, General Mills’ Monster Cereals have had a limited availability, and last year was the first time since the 1980’s that the entire General Mills Halloween cereal line-up was on-sale to the public. As it turns out, the inventory of Count Chocula cereal had been bought out by the Black Bottle Brewery, a craft brewery in Fort Collins. The brewery will be using the cereal for the next beer in their Cerealiously beer series, Cerealiously Count Chocula, which is scheduled to go on sale October 30. Previously, the brewery had used Golden Grahams, Reese’s Puffs, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch to produce specialty beers, and they are also planning a Cap’n Crunch brew and a Lucky Charms variety for St. Patrick’s Day.
On the one hand, these people have every right to be pissed off. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine going to your local grocery store and them being completely out of your favorite cereal. Not a big deal. So you go to another store. Same story. No cereal. And this happens over and over again until you’ve gone to every store and want to rip your hair out because they’re out of cereal. So they have a right to be angry. I might even be angry enough to right a mean letter to the grocery store like that lady in the story (I wouldn’t but I might think about it). Honestly if I went to a bunch of stores and every single one of them was out of Cinnamon Toast Crunch I would literally start murdering people. All joking and blog hyperbole aside, I’d just start taking mother fuckers out right then and there. It was the great Tupac Amaru Shakur who once uttered, “I ain’t a killer but don’t push me.” I feel the same way and multiple stores being out of CTC is the push I need to just start ending people’s life run. On the other hand, I wouldn’t mind drinking a beer that tastes like my favorite cereal. Take two of the greatest things ever and combine them? Seems like a no brainer. A beer that tastes like Cinnamon Toast crunch? Sign me the fuck up. Don’t even act like that doesn’t sound great. I love pounding Busch Lights until I can’t feel feelings just like the rest of us but come on. CTC beer? Hell yes. Now the question is would I be willing to not eat the cereal in order to get drunk off breakfast cereal? Maybe. Maybe not. I can say yes right now because I have stores stocked full of cereal at my disposal. It’s a tough spot. Ultimately I think I’d rather just have the cereal because I know how great it is and the beer might not come out right.
PS- I think Barstool people have touched on it before and said eating cereal for dinner isn’t something grown ups do. Well that couldn’t be less accurate. I’m 25 and I still crush cereal for dinner on a regular basis. If you do the same, don’t you dare feel bad about it. We’re in this together. All of the people who say it’s not okay to eat cereal late at night have lost their dinosaur. Don’t ever lose your dinosaur.
Uproxxx- I’m sure you want more details here and I completely understand. A Wookiee on the loose in downtown Hollywood is nothing to joke about. As Han Solo once said, a Wookiee can “pull a man’s arms out of his sockets if angered or slighted.” But in this case, Chewbacca’s playing peacemaker. Chewie just wants everyone to get along. So too does his pal Freddy Krueger. They’re the peaceful ones here. But Batgirl and Mr. Incredible? Man, these two are just vicious—punching, kicking and scratching each other up and down the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They are the heroes we need. They aren’t the heroes we deserve.
Not near enough context to why Mr. Incredible and Batgirl are fighting but does it really matter? Of course not. Because, at the end of the day, there’s almost nothing funnier than two grown adults in super hero costumes duking it out in broad day light. Add on top of that having Chewbacca and Waldo stepping in trying to calm things down and it’s simply the best. Freddy Krueger could’ve done a little more. Stick your nose in there bro. He just stood there but whatever. Waldo did his part. This is another one of those times when I want to know how they all ended up in this spot in this exact moment. What life events led up to them being in a brawl on the Hollywood Walk of Fame wearing costumes and having Chewbacca be the one who steps in to stop the madness? Gotta be some crazy shit. I like to imagine, like drug dealers, they have specific turf that each calls their own and it’s theirs to sign autographs, get pictures and be creepy. Step on another mascots territory? The mother fucking claws come out. As cut throat as cut throat gets in Hollywood.
Pretty epic body slam by Mr. Incredible on Batgirl there at the end. Be better than that, Batgirl. The black dude, he’s the one not dressed in a costume in case you were wounding, is about to rearrange Mr. Incredible’s face right before the video ends. I don’t know anything about Mr. Incredible and his special powers or whatever you call them but my money is on the black guy. Always.