Fuuuuuuuuuck that. Fuck that every day. That’s some biblical type of shit. The craziest part is I guess this isn’t all that uncommon in African countries where it happened? Locusts just show up every few years and run the place? Which makes even less sense that the place appears to be a populated area where people continue to live. If a billion locusts took over a place I was living on a Monday, I’d be moved out by Tuesday. No doubt about it. I’d be as far away as I could possibly get. The fact that these people continue to live in areas where nasty bugs out number them by a whole lot is beyond me. I’m pretty good at adapting to the various places I’ve lived. Loud neighbors, smelly factories near by, super long commutes, serial killer in the same building, living in Iowa, etc. I can deal with all of those things no problem. But a billion locusts descending on my hometown is a deal breaker every single time. Watching those people seem totally unfazed by the locusts swirling above their heads was one of the crazier things I’ve ever seen. Just another day in the life I guess.
What an awesome day yesterday was. I woke up at 6:30am, drank two Bloody Marys within 45 minutes of opening my eyes, headed down to Melrose to tailgate for the Iowa game, crushed numerous tall boys, continued drinking throughout and Iowa got the win over Northern Iowa. And oh yeah, Iowa State got dominated by an FCS team in North Dakota State which was cherry on top of a great way to start off the first Saturday in college football. Judging from the way the Cyclones looked yesterday, we’re gonna be laughing in their faces all season. It’s gonna be great. ISU didn’t score a point after the second quarter and looked even worse than the final score would indicate. Cyclone fans will try to make excuses why they lost like injuries or something stupid. I’d say it’s because they have a bad football team. We also got the Vine of Paul Rhoads falling to his knees and begging the refs to put him out of his misery in the first quarter of the first game of the season. Alright, that’s not what he was doing but it’s how I like to interpret it. Serious question: will the Cyclones win a football game this season? If yesterday is any indication I’m gonna say no. I can’t wait until two weeks from now when the Cyclones roll into Iowa City and I get to personally laugh in the face of every ISU fan while tailgating. Gonne be a good time.
All the while their rivals in Iowa City are set to reel off an undefeated season and probably make noise in the first annual college football playoff*. It’s great to be a Hawkeye.
*Am I still a little drunk from yesterday? I don’t know, maybe.
PS- Fun fact: Paul Rhoads gets paid almost 2 million dollars a year.
TWICE. We’ve seen a wide range of reporter reactions to FHRITP. Some try to ignore it, some throw punches, some try and turn away the camera as quickly as possible. And then there’s this guy in Arizona. Just accepting it. Maybe my favorite reaction yet. Letting the FHRITP wash over him because there’s nothing he can do. Nothing at all. Tough day for him. Guarantee he spent his entire day dealing with drunk and unruly ASU fans and just wanted his day to be over. One more late night shot and time to pack it up and go home and then BAM fucked twice right in the pussy by a couple of bros. Kinda feel bad for the guy except not at all because despite there being a bunch of these FHRITP videos, I still laugh every time. Every single time without fail. It’s the greatest thing in the world. So get ‘em next time reporter. You’re not the first and definitely not the last.
Never a doubt! And of course by that I mean doubts all over the place but the Hawks still pulled out the first win of the year over Northern Iowa. It was PAINFULLY clear that the secondary is going to be an issue for the inexperienced linebackers and safeties. Northern Iowa hit home run after a home run down the heart of the field and burned Iowa repeatedly. Everybody looked completely and totally lost at times. Despite that, the Hawks looked pretty good. Jake Rudock had a good day. Didn’t throw any picks and had a couple of touchdowns including a beautiful one-handed catch by Tevaun Smith. The defensive line looked solid as expected. All in all, not bad. But seriously, if our secondary can’t cover Northern fucking Iowa we’re in for a long season. But hey, 1-0! Still undefeated. Can’t complain too much about that. #HawkeyeNation
Let’s take a look at that one-handed Tevaun Smith touchdown. A beauty.
Have a great weekend everybody! Go Hawks!
God damn it. Are you kidding me? So Iowa it hurts. Have some self awareness for me one time. I’m over here busting my ass trying to get people to realize that we do in fact have internet and TV and cable and running water here in our state in the middle of the map. It’s a tireless undertaking but somebody had to step up and do it. And then here comes the University of Iowa busting through the door telling people to set their VCRs for the game tomorrow and ruining everything. So fucking Iowa it hurts.
Ever Wanted To Own A Bed That Looks Like Fast Food And Comes Complete With French Fry Pillows? Now You Can!
Metro- The Supersize Bed is the brainchild of set and costume designer Cecilia Carey and Harry Parr of food anarchists Bompas and Parr. Parr says of the design: ‘The chip bed is sensual and luxurious. Realise all of your fast food dreams as you curl up beneath the colourful headboard. Carey takes the principles of rock and roll applies them to furniture.’ And, amazing news, you can actually buy one for yourself. It’s price on application though which generally translates as ‘you can’t afford it’ but we’d be willing to save up for this statement piece. Dreams are made of this.
How the fuck did Americans not invent this? That’s an absolute travesty. I don’t want to say we’re slipping in the area of making fast food meals into furniture, but we’re slipping in the area of making fast food meals into furniture. We’re the fast food capital of the world and it’s not even close. There’s a McDonalds on every street corner of every street in America. We’re the fattest people in the world and somebody swooped in and made a fast food bed complete with french fry pillows right under our fat noses? I’ll just say what we’re all thinking: I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed for all of us. It doesn’t happen very often because we come from the greatest country in the history of the world but we fucked up here. Nobody should ever beat us to the punch on anything greasy food related. Ever. And this super awesome bed was invented by a British person? Flabbergasting. We gotten tighten shit up here in America.
As far as the actual bed itself, I don’t hate it. If the world wouldn’t look down upon a man in his mid-twenties having a fast food bed I’d think about buying it. I mean french fry pillows? That’s spectacular. I love french fries. How could you not? They’re greasy and they’re salty. But the world would look down of me because they’re a bunch of meanies. Also, if I bought that bed and woke up everyday thinking about fast food I’d get fast food even more often than I do already. And that has diabetes written all over it.