FYI apparently “Export” is a kind of beer.
That should give you a little faith in the world. It’s not all bad out there. I mean come on. Who hasn’t gotten drunk and stolen a bike? Everybody has. You didn’t go to college? And didn’t want to pay for a cab? A bike sure as hell beats walking when you’re three sheets to the wind with a half mile walk in front of you from the bar. Not to mention riding a bike drunk ranks up there in terms of fun things to do while blasted (just don’t fall). The hard part is mustering up the courage to return it/remember where you got it from the next day. Perfect way to end the note too. ”10/10 would steal again” It works in a couple ways. Makes a joke out of the situation and also tells the guy he has an awesome bike. Note is 10/10.
First of all, fuck the dude who was videotaping this. Hey bud, put down the iPad for a second and help the cat out. I hate cats as much as the next guy but I love animals. I could see a lion with a red Solo cup over his nose and I’d still help him out. Maybe I’d get eaten afterwards, maybe not. All that matters is he’s free and I helped. Animals struggling is my softest of softest parts. I’ve said this before but this just goes to show what it’d be like if dogs ran the world. Humans see a cat with a cup over it’s face and first thing we do is start filming it. Ohhhhhh this is gonna get so many views on YouTube! About to up my “Like” game on Facebook! Idiots. All of us. Dog sees a cat, their sworn enemy, with a cup over its face? He doesn’t hesitate to lend a helping hand. Dogs > Humans by a lot.
Metro- A family who wanted to name their child Nutella have been told ‘Non!’ by a French court. The parents in Valenciennes were told that it could be ‘against the child’s interests’ to be named after the brand. The child was born on September 24 but, according to La Voix Du Nord, a registrar highlighted the name to the town’s court which made its finding and the baby had to be re-named. Meanwhile a second family from Raismes gave birth to a child they named Fraise (Strawberry). Once again the court found the name could ‘be the cause of mockery’ that ‘could have a negative impact on the child’. Instead they used the name Fraisine – a name that was popular in the 19th century.
Real quick. You can’t name your kid Nutella. Why? We shouldn’t even be having this conversation. You can’t name your kid Nutella because it’s a fucking spread, not a kid’s name. It’s illegal to name your kid after spreads. And if it’s not illegal, it should be. The fact that they took it to court is a new level of crazy. These people who wanted to name their kid Nutella should have the child ripped right outta their arms. This should be a future test for all parents. As soon as the umbilical cord is cut the doctor has to ask, “Have you thought about naming your kid after any kind of spread? Jif? Smuckers? Nutella?” and if there’s even the slightest indication they’ve thought about, adoption. That baby goes up for adoption that very instant. Those people aren’t allowed to see their baby ever again. Be better about it next time they get pregnant and maybe they can keep the baby. Maybe. Not to mention Nutella screams white person and privilege. Send Nutella to a public school and he/she won’t last a week.
Wild wild stuff. Maybe not wild for a Korean game show but wild for Americans to see. Just when you think Korean game show can’t get any weirder they trot out a dude dressed s Ry from Street Fighter and have him beat the shit out of a car. I’m not sure what was better. The dude punching and kicking an automobile or the people in the crowd reacting to a dude punching and kicking an automobile. Either way, fun times all around.
A couple of highlights:
After “beating up the hood” he goes something a little more simple and knocks the fuck outta the side mirror. Much to the amazement of crowd goers.
FINISH HIM (WRONG GAME BUT I DON’T CARE)
The only thing missing was a HADOUKENNNNNNNN.
Whoops! That’s gotta be a terrible feeling but I couldn’t have laughed harder. I’m big on watching people who think they’re awesome fall flat on their face. It’s one of my hobbies and this guy fits into that category perfectly. It’s even better when it happens in front of a crowd of people. Hey everybody! Come and see me in my 2000 horse power Lamborghini! I wanna go fast! I’m the coolest person ever ahhhhhhhh I’m dead! The guy had one job and that was to drive straight. That’s it. A straight line. And he fucked it up.
How about this guy? Turned away right when the action was starting. Terrible luck. Probably the story of his life. One of those guys who JUST misses everything. Just missed getting into a better college, just missed fucking the hottest girl in high and just missed a Lambo crashing into a lake. Life is a series of coincidences and this dude is on the wrong end of all of them. Somebody has to be.
New Scientist- First climate change, now penile fracture – polar bears have got it pretty rough. Chemical pollutants may be reducing the density of the bears’ penis bones, putting them at risk of breaking this most intimate part of their anatomy. Various mammals, though not humans, have a penis bone, also known as penile bone or baculum. Its exact function is unclear: it could be just a by-product of evolution, or it may help support the penis or stimulate the female during mating. Sonne and his team have now shown that a particular class of organohalogens, the polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs), is associated with a less dense baculum. This could prevent successful mating, the team suggest. PCBs were used industrially for several decades from the late 1920s onwards. They had hundreds of applications, including in production of paints and rubber products. Then evidence emerged that they can harm health and cause cancer, and were banned by a UN treaty signed in 2001. But they are slow to break down, so can accumulate in the environment.
Well how shitty do you feel right now? I feel pretty bad. Real life choices of ours having real life consequences. Sure, scientists will tell you that the things we’ve been doing for the past 100 years or so are having a drastic effect on the climate. Global warming and blah blah blah. And future generations will ultimately pay the price for the decisions we make right now. But I’m more of a here and now type of guy so fuck those future generations. They’re probably ass holes anyway with their faces buried in iPhones more than we are right now. But this polar bear thing? Damn. That cuts deep. That is the here and now. Everytime I gas up my car now I’m gonna think about polar bear penises. Although I drive a Chevy Cobalt so I don’t feel the worst. My car gets pretty good gas mileage and I don’t drive all that much anyway. I’m willing to donate $10 to the Broken Polar Bear Penis Foundation. But what about those assholes out there driving around H2 Hummers and other SUVs? They gotta feel pretty bad about broken polar penises. Moneys isn’t enough in their case. Hummer drivers should have to give up their penises to polar bears. Eye for an eye. Dick for a dick. Thems is the rulez when we pollute the Earth so much that bear boners are snapping like twigs.
PS- There’s a solid chance fossil fuels and driving cars isn’t the pollution they’re talking about here at all. Didn’t really research it whatsoever. Polar bear penises + pollution + driving cars = broken pensies. That’s how my brain determined it. I hear pollution and just assume it has something to do with gas and cars. I’m not a scientist, people.
Peak Instagram. I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure this is what the inventors had in mind when they launched the picture app. Fuck sunsets, fuck the plate of food you’re eating, fuck the mirror pics at the gym and fuck the motivational Maya Angelou quotes next to the pictures of girls in booty shorts (well, those are okay). This is it. Miley Cyrus smoking a joint while pole dancing on a tree in the middle of God knows where. Just good ol’ fashioned fun. There’s always a lot of discussion about whether or not Miley is hot. Whether or not your dick would fall off upon making your second pump. I’m still in on her being hot. Why? Vince Vaughn said it best
But this blog isn’t about whether or not Miley is hot. It’s about how awesome it’d be to hang out with her. With or without sex. She’s having more fun than any of us. What did you do this weekend? You went to a bar, drank a bunch of booze and ate Chinese food (I’m just assuming that’s what you did because I think you’re a lot like me). Sure, it was fine. No complaints. What did Miley do? Went to some park, smoked a bunch of joints and danced to weird music. I’m not saying that’s better than what we did but it sounds pretty fucking awesome. Sometimes it’s all about change of pace. Miley just seems like a cool cat is all I’m saying.