A sweaty fat guy, note cards and a hash tag that will forever live in infamy. That’s what the World Series ended up being about last night. What a world. No complaints here. As I stated earlier, watching Rikk Wilde and his shenanigans is the hardest I’ve laughed in a good long while. I really like this move by Chevy though. Instead of completely ignoring the part where one of your employees made a fool of himself on national television after the World Series you roll with the punches and acknowledge it. Kinda sucks for Rikk since this is what now defines him and his company is using the hash tag to further perpetuate the joke. But whatever. That’s not the important thing. The important thing is that Chevy Guy exists and that moment will always exist and it was perfect.
ABC News- Crash-test dummies are undergoing a makeover to reflect the thicker waistlines and larger rear ends of Americans. “Studies show that obese drivers are 78 percent more likely to die in a car crash,” said Chris O’ Connor, CEO of Humanetics, the only U.S. producer of the dummies. O’Conner said crash-test dummies are now typically modeled after a person who weighs about 167 pounds with a healthy body mass index. His company is designing new dummies based on the measurements of a 270-pound person with a BMI of 35, which the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, as well as other health groups, consider morbidly obese. O’Conner said seat belts, air bags and other safety features are designed for thinner people and don’t fit heavier people the same way. “Typically you want someone in a very tight position with their rear against the back of the seat and the seat belt tight to the pelvis,” O’Conner explained. “An obese person has more mass around midsection and a larger rear which pushes them out of position. They sit further forward and the belt does not grasp the pelvis as easily.”
America! Fuck yeah! You can look at this one of two ways. One, America is fat as fuck now and it’s disgusting. We’re all disgusting. We sweat when we eat. Our hearts beg for mercy when we slam down multiple Rodeo burgers. Diabetes is real. More people die from heart disease than any other cause. We’re so fucking fat now that car companies are forced to throw weighted jackets on crash test dummies to accurately understand what happens when our fat ass eating a Big Mac gets into a head-on collision with another fat ass eating a Big Mac. Michelle Obama is right. Kids need more exercise and healthier school lunches. Obesity is an epidemic that needs to be stopped and needs to be stopped immediately. That’s the first way to look at this. Kind of a downer. Makes me feel bad about all the Halloween candy I’ve already scarfed down this week. The second way to look at it is more America’s style. We’re the most powerful country in the world, we’re an affluent country (ignore all the debt to China because it doesn’t fit this narrative). We’ll eat whatever and how much of whatever we want. Bring on the desserts and late-night runs to the gas station for snacks. It’s one of the perks of being king. We’re the big swinging dick on this planet, we’ve fought wars to prove it. So let us get as fat as we want. You mad? Come do something about it. You won’t. Will this second view of Americans being fat as fuck have consequences down the road? Probably. Donnnnnnn’t caaaaaaaaare. We’re living in the here and now. You might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Eat everything in sight. So car companies better order the Fat Bastard Edition weight jackets because this blubber train ain’t stopping any time soon.
Bloomberg- Throughout my professional life, I’ve tried to maintain a basic level of privacy. I come from humble roots, and I don’t seek to draw attention to myself. Apple is already one of the most closely watched companies in the world, and I like keeping the focus on our products and the incredible things our customers achieve with them. At the same time, I believe deeply in the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, who said: “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’ ” I often challenge myself with that question, and I’ve come to realize that my desire for personal privacy has been holding me back from doing something more important. That’s what has led me to today. For years, I’ve been open with many people about my sexual orientation. Plenty of colleagues at Apple know I’m gay, and it doesn’t seem to make a difference in the way they treat me. Of course, I’ve had the good fortune to work at a company that loves creativity and innovation and knows it can only flourish when you embrace people’s differences. Not everyone is so lucky.While I have never denied my sexuality, I haven’t publicly acknowledged it either, until now. So let me be clear: I’m proud to be gay, and I consider being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me.
So this is the big non-World Series news of the day. Apple CEO Tim Cook saying he’s gay. Cool. Whatever. Obviously it’s huge news because he’s the head of one of the biggest companies in the world. I’m happy for him because I’m sure that’s a big weight off his shoulders. I’m a fan of the gays. They’re just people but this is a big deal. Of course there’s the people who will say “Why is he telling me this? Who cares? I want to live in a time where coming out as gay isn’t a big deal.” While I agree with the idea, coming out is still a huge deal in 2014. Think about it. There’s only been one gay pro football player and one gay pro basketball player (current players I should say). There’s obviously a bunch more that aren’t willing to come out. If coming out wasn’t a big deal in 2014 then more athletes and public figures wouldn’t be so afraid to come out. And while Tim Cook coming out is obviously a personal accomplishment, it’s yet another win for Apple. Apple stays winning. Not saying that him coming out has anything to do with what he does for a living but if you’re gonna sit there and tell me Apple having a gay CEO doesn’t help them, you’re crazy. Gay is what’s cool in the streets. Having a straight CEO? Might as well be living in the 1930′s. If you’re starting a company in 2014 or beyond you better be sure your CEO is gay. He/she needs to be gay or you’re just gonna get left in the dust while all the companies with gay CEOs flourish and get rich. It would even help at Barstool. Sure, we finally hired a bunch of tech nerds who are supposedly trying to make the site better. We’ll see how that goes. But you know what would really help Barstool? If Pres came out as gay. We’d instantly have investors knocking on the door and we’d get Buzz Feed money. I’m almost surprised he hasn’t yet. He doesn’t even have to actually be gay. That’s the beauty of it. He just needs to say he is. Gotta be a team player if you want success. And success in 2014 means having a gay CEO. Do the right thing, Dave.
So if you watched the World Series last night you know that tweet is obviously in reference to the play that happened in the third inning. Guy on first, Eric Hosmer hits a ball to the second baseman who starts the 4-6-3 double play. Hosmer attempts to slide into first base and originally is called safe. But after a replay review he’s called out (see! Replay does work! Even if it takes a few minutes). First of all, the flip play by Giants second baseman Panik to even start the double play was unbelievable. Beautiful stuff. Second, Hosmer sliding into first base was beyond stupid. Any professional baseball player who still slides into first base needs to get his head checked. Not kidding. They teach you in little league not to slide into first base. It’s a proven fact that it slows the player down as opposed to speeding him up. If Hosmer runs through the bag instead of sliding who knows what happens in that inning. The fact that a professional player on the biggest of biggest stages still tried to slide into first base is honestly baffling. Not to mention if Bill Nye says sliding into first base doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. If he says its true, then it’s true. We went through too many educational videos growing to start doubting him now. Maybe it’ll take a TV scientist to get through to baseball players that sliding into first base doesn’t work. It might look like you’re trying harder and “playing the game the right way” but you’re really just doing something dumb. Bill Nye says so.
PS- I know a couple of the other guys already blogged about the Chevy Guy. I just wanted to have it on record that that was the hardest I’ve laughed in years. No hyperbole, no blog over exaggeration. I legit had tears streaming down my face and almost puked during that whole thing last night. So fucking funny.
Drive by mother fuckers. Just outta nowhere. Crazy religious dudes flies up on his Segway dressed as an angel, flashes the middle finger and keeps it moving. No words. No explanation. Middle finer and zips away. That would fuck up your day, right? Not because it was rude but because of the randomness. All day long I’d be wondering why the angel on the Segway flipped me off without a word. At least tell me what I did. I’d be convinced I was gonna get hit by a bus or butt fucked by a demon. But hey,maybe that’s my Catholic upbringing talking. By the way, if I had to rank the levels of crazy this guy was sporting around town, riding on a Segway would be far and away the craziest thing this guy had going on. Yes, being a religious freak is weird and unsettling to the people around you. But religious freaks are everywhere. And yes, flipping off random people on the street for no reason whatsoever is odd behavior. But riding a Segway? That’s borderline psychotic behavior because NO ONE rides Segways. That’s the reddest of red flags. That idea fell by the way side a long time ago. If I saw that guy on the street I wouldn’t say, “Hey, look at that nut job dressed like an angel.” I’d say “I can’t believe that guy is riding a Segway.”
Happy Thursday. Enjoy your coffee. NSFW link click here.
Been a lot of jokes in the Barstool corner of the internet lately about health insurance and how we definitely don’t have it and how our fearless leader is buying a new horse every other day. Whatever. I don’t really care at all. As long as I can continue to not have to drive to an office and not have to put pants on in the morning, I’m good. No complaints whatsoever. I didn’t become a blogger for the health benefits. I don’t need health insurance. I’m healthy as an ox. At least that’s how I feel most of the time. Then I see a video like a guy getting a GIANT splinter pulled out of his leg and my state of mind changes a little bit. I still don’t care that my employer doesn’t provide health insurance. It does however force me to reflect on the choice I’ve made to not purchase health insurance on my own. That’s a curious decision I’ve made. Like if I got a massive splinter like that in my leg my well-adjusted roommates would be like, “Alright let’s take you to the doctor and get that thing taken out and bandaged. Don’t want it to get infected” And I’d for sure be like the dude in the video and tell my buddies just to rip it out with rusty pliers and I’ll be fine. It’s not a toughness thing. I don’t need that doctor’s bill. I guess what I’m saying is if I get deathly ill this winter I’m just gonna curl up in my bed and hope it passes. Going to the doctor is for wussies/smart people who have the brain to purchase health insurance.
My girlfriend doesn’t abstain from meme usage, even when we’re having sex. Whenever we spend this time together, she starts moaning doge memes like “such sex, wow” and it really kills the moment for me. Like really? Is that even close to appropriate? Maybe she wants to relieve the tension, but does she know when to draw the line? Even reading that over made me sick knowing that Chris is usually 100% serious about those things.
What the fuck is this guy even complaining about? Wahhhh my girlfriend won’t stop quoting complimentary dog memes while we’re having sex wahhhhhh. It kills the moment for you? Really? Shut the fuck up dude. Seriously. Shut your mouth right this instant. Last time I checked she was giving you a compliment about your sexual prowess. She’s not critiquing the size of your member or how terrible your endurance is. It’s a compliment. At least I’m pretty sure “Wow, such sex” is a compliment. It has to be a compliment. Take as many of those things as you can when having sex. Sexual compliments are like four leaf clovers or the McRib. They’re rare and in-demand so cherish them when you’re lucky enough to get your hands on one. This guy’s girlfriend says she’s enjoying having sex with him and his first response is to complain about the way in which the compliment is delivered? Some nerve on this guy. I mean is it a little weird that she loves dog memes so much that she’s resorted to using them in the bedroom. NOPE. Not in the slightest. Any guy who thinks that might have the gay. Doesn’t matter if she’s awesomely screaming like a seasoned porn star or quoting pictures of cute puppies from the internet. A compliment on how you’re laying the hammer is a compliment no matter how you slice it. So again, shut the fuck up and be happy you’re being told you’re doing a good job. It could be worse. It could be so much worse.