Daily Mail- A newlywed husband divorced his wife before they could even consummate their marriage after her ex sent him compromising photos of her. The couple had been wed only hours when the groom was passed a memory stick containing the pictures hidden in a bouquet of flowers. A note told him to look at the contents of the device and, when he did, he found the photographs of his new wife, laid bare and in intimate circumstances. ‘It was truly the shock of his life and he could not bear the scandal.’ Sheikh al-Shammari said the bride’s former lover had days earlier tried to blackmail her into staying with him, threating to reveal their relationship if she refused. She told him to get lost, telling him she was to be married and that she wanted to start a new life, become a mother and raise a family. But her scheming ex-partner found out where the marriage was to be held, bought the bouquet and concealed the memory stick with her pictures inside.
First of all, that’s some James Bond blackmail shit there. Showing up to your ex-girlfirend’s wedding with a memory stick of naked pictures of her is psycho enough. But then to put said memory stick into a bouquet of flowers and have it given to the groom is full blown serial killer/I have bodies in my basement shit.
Second, and this is the important part, does anybody else see this as a problem going forward? Because you should. This wasn’t the first case of a chick busting it open for her ex, getting pictures taken/making a sex tape and then having that shown to a future boyfriend (or in this case, husband) and having it blow up in their face. In the past, before cell phone cameras and the internet, people would have past relationships that would go undocumented. No harm no foul. Well not any more. That night your girlfriend got wild and crazy with her boyfriend a few years ago are out there. And what’s the last thing any guy wants to see? Exactly. His girlfriend getting wild and crazy with her ex-boyfriend. Weddings in the social media/every-phone-is-a-camera era should be interesting.
Think about it this way. Political races in the future are going to be a fucking shit show. You think political mud slinging is bad now? We haven’t seen anything yet. Just wait until the Twitter generation of YouTube commentors and bloggers grow up and start running for office. People’s political opponents will be like, “Remember that one time you commented on a Miley Cyrus music video with ‘She’s such a basic bitch #TurnDown4What’? Explain to those in attendance what you meant by that.” And so on and so forth. That shit never goes away. If I tried to get into politics at one point in the future (never would, too smart) I’d get thrown out immediately as the Camel Toe Congressman. It’s the same with relationships. Getting crazy one night, taking pictures and then all of the sudden those pictures show up years down the line in your husband’s bouquet of flowers on your wedding night. The future is going to be a fucking weird place.
Oh gimme a fucking break. Of course this is happening. You just knew after a pageant like last night where dime pieces show off their dime piecery some people were gonna take the side of the most “normal” looking girl out there and use it as a platform to slam the other contestants. The last part of that sentence is important. These people don’t give a shit about Miss Indiana. They couldn’t care less about her. They just need the in that allows them to be pissed about how uber hot all of the other girls are. Hi haters. Not to mention I don’t watch the Miss USA pageant for normal. Nobody does. I watch it to see girls who are completely out of this world and out of my league strut around like they owe me money and this is how they’re paying off the debt. The pageant and the Victoria’s Secret fashion show are two night’s out of the year where the point of the entire show is for hot girls to show off just how hot they are. And here’s the funniest thing about all of this, Miss Indiana’s body isn’t normal. She’s smoking fucking hot and in no way, shape or form normal. No person with a full brain sees her on the street and says “Now that’s a full women!” They say, “Oh, that’s a strikingly attractive women who could be in a pageant.” I guarantee if the same girls tweeting #RealGirlsArentTwigs saw Miss Indiana on the street without the context of the other contestants they’d be hating on her under their breath about how pretty and skinny she is.
PS- Fuck that Greg Gorman guy and his “that’s what real men want” bull shit. That’s just another game. Publicly say you support the “normal” chick that all the other chicks on Twitter are supporting and maybe hopefully they’ll favorite your tweet/retweet you/sleep with you. Games on top of games on top of games.
NEW YORK – Steve Coburn, cowboy hat wearing co-owner of California Chrome, didn’t back off one bit Sunday morning in venting his anger over what he again said was a competition format that was unfair to his horse in his unsuccessful try for the first thoroughbred racing Triple Crown in 36 years. Coburn was just as hot as he was after Saturday’s race in which California Chrome finished in a tie for fourth behind fresh-legged winner Tonalist, who had not run in either of the first two legs of the Triple Crown: the May 3 Kentucky Derby and the May 17 Preakness. “They hold out two (races) and then come back and run one,” said Coburn. “That would be like me at 6-2 … playing basketball with a kid in a wheelchair. They haven’t done anything with their horses in the Triple Crown … You figure IT out. You ask yourself, ‘Would it be fair if I played basketball with a child in a wheel chair?”
This guy is on FIRE right now. A day after going all WWE, grand standing, pointing at the camera and giving his wife a piece of his mind after California Chrome failed to capture the Triple Crown he’s still out there throwing casual haymaker quotes. What, you thought after sleeping on it and cooling off he was going to come out and apologize for his remarks? Fuck that and fuck you. Yosemite Sam doesn’t apologize. He doubles down and compares the injustice he suffered the day before to him playing basketball against a kid in a wheel chair. Fantastic. All day yesterday NBC was running piano music specials and touting Coburn as a blue collar guy and somebody who’s not your typical owner. Well that’s exactly what they’re getting right now. I guarantee all Coburn wanted to do yesterday was challenge the winning horse’s owner to an ol’ fashioned fisticuffs behind the race track. And I’d be lying to say if I’m not enjoying every second of it. This is the most I’ve ever enjoyed horse racing. Does the wheel chair analogy make any sense? I have no idea because I don’t know shit about horse racing. You’d have to ask Pres that question since he owns horses. But is the analogy hilarious? Absolutely. Give me more cartoon villains like Steve Coburn and I’ll tune into more horse races. Guaranteed.
PS- I’m not convinvced a wheel chair bound person couldn’t beat Steve in a game of basketball. The guy doesn’t exactly look spry. Just sayin’.
Everybody stay calm. Let’s think this through. Nobody make any sort of rash decision like going out and buying out your local grocery store’s entire stock of these things. Just kidding. Do it. Do it right now. Drop whatever you’re doing, speed through your city’s streets, cause massive car wrecks. Kill a couple of people if you have to. Do whatever you have to do to get your hands on these things. I don’t care if you have a “job” and you need to “pay rent” and “make car payments” and “feed your children”. None of that matters anymore. All of that stuff will work itself out. I haven’t even had these yet but if there’s even a shred of doubt in your mind that they’ll be awesome, you’re mixed nuts. We haven’t seen two giants join forces like this since Dr. Dre discovered a white kid from Detroit named Marshall Mathers. This might even be bigger than that even. Sure, Dre and Em spawned multiple classic albums and multiple successful record labels and changed the course of hip hop music forever. Child’s play in light of this news. These cookies have the chance to spawn diabetes in the bodies of people everywhere and possibly even lowering the average age of human beings. I personally can’t wait to be one of it’s first victims. Pop bottles.
And with those four simple words a chubby-faced blogger from Cedar Rapids cuckholded the one and only El Pres worse than he’s ever been cuckholded before. Just talking pizza with the self-proclaimed pizza mogul’s biggest crush behind his back. It felt a little wrong and I loved every second of it. I love frozen pizza. The Biebs loves frozen pizza. A match made in heaven when you think about it. It’s that simple. No big deal. I’m just best friends with one of the most famous people on the planet now. It won’t change me. You think he’ll give me a go around with Selena? Judging from that deposition video you’d say definitely no but what you peasants don’t understand is that I’m part of his inner circle now. Anything can happen. I don’t even know what doors are gonna open for me now. Girls, cars, mansions, cool stuff only rich famous people know about, etc. But what I’m most excited to do is play sub par basketball with Justin and then mean mug the fuck out of a camera. Did Iowa do it again or did Iowa do it again?
PS- I was jealous of this photo earlier but my life has changed drastically since then. Feels like a life time ago. I’m in a different tax bracket now.
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Introducing Gen from University of Iowa. Gen is our first smoke here at Barstool Iowa and she deserves to to be the first. Absolutely blazin’. You won’t find many girls hotter than her. Feels good to get off on the right foot.
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Boom! I’m sure everyone saw this coming. It’s only logical. Barstool already has other media juggernauts like Chicago and New York on lock down, why not grab another one in the form of the greatest state on the map? Oh, you didn’t know Iowa was a media juggernaut? You need to wake up then. This is the place to be. Things are happening around here. This is the home of the guy who co-starred in a little movie called “Dude, Where’s My Car?” Ever heard of it? If you’re not from here, you probably think Iowa is nothing but a barren wasteland littered with toothless hicks, John Deere tractors and corn as far as the eye can see blah blah blah. All of the classic flyover state stereotypes. Alright, so maybe that corn one is true. We do have a shit ton of corn here. But it’s the best fucking corn you’ll have in your life. You’ll take a bite and immediately have an erection. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is Iowa is fucking awesome and I’m here to represent for the Iowa Stoolies out there. Let’s do this. I fucking hope so too, dude.
Side Note: Send all interesting Iowa stories and smokeshows to email@example.com. I’ll take whatever you have. Oh and if you want to call me a hick or tell me Iowa sucks, you can find me @BarstoolTrent on Twitter. I look forward to your insults.