I know what you’re probably saying. A pretty face, a star football player and a majestic golf swing on top of it all? What can’t this guy do? Just running up the score at this point. Panties dropping left and right. Put me on the Tour and let me battle with the big boys. Golf hasn’t seen driving distance like that since a 25 year old kid from Arkansas blasted onto the scene outta nowhere and won the PGA Championship in ’91. Oh and if you didn’t see the ball come down on the first swing that’s because it hasn’t landed.
PS- No joke, the ground was like cement and it was nearly impossible to get the tee in the ground. Thought I was gonna have a goddamn heart attack exerting that much effort. I shouldn’t be surprised because it’s December in Iowa but holy shit.
I gotta be honest. I’m not sure which one of them is hotter at this point. Jason or Amanda. Yeah, Amanda has a slamming body, a face to match and, given her history, she likes to take sexy Instagram pictures. Not to mention that’s such a Fuck Me dress I can barely stand it. Her prowess in the bedroom is likely that of a wild animal. But look a Daddy Duf! Skinny as a twig and rocking a new haircut. He’s like a new man. I admit I miss the old fat Duf but his sex appeal has skyrocketed lately. Then wrap him in a plaid jacket? Forget about it. Duf is a 10.
PS- I’m not even sure Duf plays golf anymore. Can’t remember the last time he teed it up and I don’t care. If his life now is parading around town with his smoking hot wife and going to parties I wouldn’t play golf anymore either.
That’s as good as it gets right there folks. I can’t stop laughing. Tears of joy streaming down my face. If that Vine doesn’t make you giggle then I don’t know what to tell you. Elton John just tumbling over in his chair. Poor Elton was looking for something, anything, to grab onto and it just wasn’t there. Taking a couple chairs with him as he went. Down he goes. Worth 450 million dollars and knighted by the Queen of England but can’t get a goddamn chair that works.
PS- What’s with the sound in that Vine? Was somebody fucking while filming that? Bizarre.
So here’s the tape of my old football playing days at Kennedy High School. I played linebacker and fullback. Pres asked me to try and get my hands on some old game film so that’s what I did. After a few e-mails with my old coaches and an awkward trip back to Kennedy, here we are. Seriously, going back to your old high school is weird as fuck. Don’t ever do it. I hadn’t been back since I graduated and they changed everything around. I was just a 25 year old dude aimlessly walking around waiting for somebody to slap the cuffs on me. Anyway hope you enjoy the video.
A few things about the video:
- I wore #40 because I love Mike Alstott and so should you
- All those plays are from senior year. There aren’t any from junior year because I was a BAMF and got suspended for drinking and didn’t play in any games that year
- I still beat myself up over dropping that wide open pass. Had I caught it I was going for 6. No doubt in my mind
- I had a legit BLAST going through all the old game tapes. Trip down memory lane to the max. Haven’t seen some of those teammates since high school but it feels like it all happened yesterday. I was yelling at my computer like the games were live even though they took place years ago and I knew the outcomes. I didn’t realize how much I missed playing football but after watching tapes I was ready to throw on the pads. Ahhh to be young again.
You were the tall brunette that farted in the bread section late last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked “Was that you?” You quickly replied “No it wasn’t me” You almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving 2 loafs of ciabatta bread around in the air. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale I’d love to meet you sometime.
How about that! Love is a mysterious thing. You never know when Cupid is going to shoot you with an arrow of love. It happens when you least expect it. It could be at bar. It could be at the gym. It could be at a Jiffy Lube. Or it could be in the bread section at Hy-Vee after a tall brunette farts like a Clydesdale right in your face and lies to you about it. The aphrodisiac to end all aphrodisiacs. Ciabatta bread flailing around and the smell of farts invading each one of your senses. That’s romance. Hell, that’s love people. Like it or not. If you can get through the part of the relationship where you’re able stand each other’s farts and still be attracted then you’ve made it. Nothing will derail that relationship. It just so happens these two anonymous love birds made it to that stage immediately. You just don’t know and you can’t know when love will strike. That’s what makes life so damn exciting. I hope these two find each other and spend a happy fart-filled life together.
So if you have any information on this tall brunette and how these two love birds can track each other down and connect, do the right thing and help ‘em out.
CEDAR FALLS, Iowa - North Dakota State’s 33-game winning streak came to a screaching halt Saturday with a 23-3 loss to Northern Iowa before 14,777 fans at the UNI-Dome. The top-ranked Bison, the three-time defending national champions, had not lost a game since Oct. 13, 2012 – when it suffered a 17-14 homes loss to Indiana State. The loss also ended NDSU’s 22-game road winning streak. The last road loss the Bison suffered was Dec. 11, 2010, a 38-31 overtime playoff setback at Eastern Washington. The Bison were limited to 175 total yards on offense, 272 yards below their season average. The Bison also failed to score a touchdown for the first time since a 3-0 loss at Missouri State in the final regular season game of 2010. The Bison, which fall to 9-1 overall and 5-1 in the Missouri Valley Football Conference, plays at Missouri State next Saturday. Northern Iowa kept its playoff hopes alive, improving to 6-4 overall and 4-3 in the conference.
U-N-I! U-N-I! U-N-I! What a night. What a fucking night for Northern Iowa. Who’s Northern Iowa, you ask? Oh nobody. Just the best college football team in the state of Iowa and probably the country after tonight. Tonight they knocked off the #1 ranked FCS North Dakota State Bison to end their 33 game winning streak. BIG upset. HUGE upset. Such a big upset that the college football playoff committee should consider them for the 4-team play off. They won’t because they’re scared UNI might jump into the mix and run the fucking table but whatever. That’s how good they are. Nobody hands you a 6-4 record, you earn it. You scratch and claw your way to a record like that. Northern Iowa, greatest football team in the country. You might remember UNI from a couple years back when their basketball team knocked No. 1 Kansas out of the NCCA Tournament led by the great Ali Farokmanesh. Well tonight it was the football team’s turn to play spoiler and they SMOKED top ranked NDSU by a score of 23-3. Big day. With Iowa getting their shit pushed in by Minnesota and Iowa State getting beat by one of the worst teams in the nation, it’s officially a Panther State. The road to the National Championship runs through Cedar Falls except not really. Congratulations. That’s actually pretty awesome.
So enjoy this one, UNI fans. Burn Cedar Falls to the ground, flip cars over in the street, loot local businesses, give each other celebratory punches in the face. The whole sha bang. You red headed step child fans of the state deserve it. BURN IT TO THE GROUND!
Talk about drama! Absolutely awesome. After the first couple lay up attempts nobody in that gym thought Alex and his white boy afro had a chance. Probably not even Alex. Then he drained his lay up like Ray Allen in his prime. Three point shot? BIG time struggle and burned a ton of clock. Alex knew what he was doing though. Alex is a showman at heart. Just setting it up for the theatrics at the end. Nail a buzzer beater to win a brand new 2014 Ford truck and get mobbed by the whole gym? Pretty cool I guess. And by that I mean there can’t be a better feeling in the world. Normal dudes pretty much never get to live the dream of hitting a half court buzzer beater to win. Just like there are almost zero times in life where average guys get to spray champagne and beer all over each other like maniacs in a plastic-covered room. Well Alex lived the dream last night. He lived it for all of us. Congrats dude. Bulldog Madness!
PS- If Alex didn’t wake up with a hangover the size of Des Moines and a cheerleader in his bed this morning then he didn’t do it right.
Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This comes after a call right before half time during their game against Oklahoma State went against them. Fucking Iowa State. I’m not sure I can properly explain to you how perfect that video is. It’s PERFECT. It’s perfect because it embodies everything about Iowa State athletics and it’s fans. Something doesn’t go their way? They instantly blames the refs. No questions asked. It’s never their fault. It’s always the fault of something that’s out of their control. Up until this point I thought it was all head coach Paul Rhoads and the Cyclone fan base who carried the Cry Baby torch. Turns out it’s an institution-wide problem that starts at the top. The fact that the AD of a major college university thought it’d be a good idea to make public comments about how his school is supposedly being treated unfairly is hilarious to me. Bro, this isn’t going to do anything but make you look like a cry baby bitch. And that’s exactly what it did. The only thing it’s going to do is make you look bad and make your wallet lighter. Big, slobbering, snot-covered cry babies. That’s what Iowa State sports fans and their administrators are.
I have a suggestion. Be better. You know what helps when you think you’re getting treated unfairly? Winning. Winning solves everything. If you don’t fucking suck at the sport you’re playing then the “missed calls” by the officials don’t get magnified. It’s as simple as that. Instead of expressing their anger outwards they should look inward and try to have a better team. They got killed by Oklahoma State today and the overturned call wasn’t going to change that. Fun fact: Paul Rhoads makes almost $2 million a year.
PS- They didn’t show it but I wonder what Pauld Rhoads said when he stepped to the mic after the AD. All Rhoads does is bitch about the refs and AD Jamie Pollard stole everything he was probably gonna say. My guess is he was like, “Yeah! What he said!” and then scurried away.