Fake or nah? I’m gonna say probably fake but maybe not. This could happen. Some greens just funnel right to the hole on certain courses, it happens. If it’s not fake then that’s pretty cool I guess. I mean at the end of the day he’s making a three foot putt way harder than it needs to be which is dumb. His friend probably could’ve just given him the putt. No need to hit it 50 feet out of the way and let it roll in. Still cool though. Still not sure if it’s real or not. Actually I’m switching my vote. I say it’s real. Why? Because it’s Thursday and we’re fast approaching the weekend. Show me this video on a Monday or a Tuesday and I’m slapping the fake tag on it and making fun of these guys. Life is all about timing.
Be worse at trying to snatch a lady’s purse and running away, you can’t. He got off to a rough start when he tried to steal the purse initially, the chick had a kung fu grip on it and so he tried to play it off like he was kidding. ”JK. I wasn’t trying to grab your purse and sprint away. Let’s be friends and act like that didn’t happen” THEN he went back for seconds, failed again, got his hand stuck in the door and proceeded to get clubbed by a baseball bat. An all around fail. I love how the bus driver didn’t let him out and instead continued to pummel the would-be thief with one hand and driving with the other. That’s exactly what he should’ve done and he did it. But the best part was when the kid started crying. Have some respect for yourself. Things don’t turn out your way and the first thing you do is start balling like a baby? Get it together. There’s no crying in larceny. And to make matters worse he got arrested at the next stop. All in all maybe the worst robbery attempt of all time. Get’em next time bud.
CBS News- With the Ebola outbreak dominating the national discourse, parents and caregivers are inevitably going to be confronted with the necessity of explaining the deadly and exotic disease to children. One Connecticut company was already poised to help in that process, and it has seen a dramatic spike in sales as a result. Giantmicrobes Inc. was founded about a decade ago with the intention of creating stuffed toys based on the actual microscopic images of various microbes as an educational tool for caregivers and young children, said Laura Sullivan, vice president of operations, in an interview with CBS News. ”It started with the common cold and similar things,” Sullivan said. “It was marketed to pediatricians and parents initially. The idea is that kids respond favorably to stuffed animals.” The thinking is that children would be better able to understand what is happening in their body if they could see a softer, cuddlier version of it, Sullivan said. Before long, the company’s offerings expanded to a number of different of viruses and diseases, and the audience expanded with it. About five years ago, the company began offering plush toys whose design was based on the microscopic image of the Ebola virus. Now, they are struggling to keep up with demand, Sullivan said. While she declined to give specific sales figures for the Ebola plush toys, Sullivan said: “They’re selling like hot cakes. We’re out of stock again.” They have ramped up production with their Chinese manufacturers and are rushing to feed the demand, Sullivan said.
This story just goes to show that the world is nothing more than a place where random events happen for no rhyme or reason. We’re all just spinning around on this rock and hoping the chips fall in the right place. Take this company for instance. The original idea was to make stuffed animal toys in the shapes of different diseases like the common cold and the flu. They’d sell them to parents and doctors as a way to teach kids about diseases while using something all kids love. Actually not the worst idea in the world, a pretty good one honestly. But not the kind of idea that’s going to have you in Mark Zuckerberg’s tax bracket. Well, not unless a virus comes along that sweeps the world, kills a few thousand people and no one knows how to explain it to their kids! Show me the money! Talk about catching the break of a life time for that company. Ebola walks through that door and those mother fuckers are basically printing money at this point. They can’t keep up with the demand. They’re throwing their factory into high gear to keep up with how many they’re selling. And with Christmas right around the corner and more cases popping up every other day? Forget about it. These dudes are gonna be swimming in cash. Move over Turbo Man, there’s a new Christmas toy sheriff in town and it’s name is Ebola.
And that’s proof that nothing in this life makes sense. None of it. You can have what you think is the best idea in the world (Looking at you, Segway guy. I get it. You thought people would get tired of walking. Actually makes some sense) and end up completely broke. Or you can fall ass backwards into an idea about stuffed animal diseases that sounds kind of dumb on the surface, but then a terrifying virus hits the streets and bingo bango bongo you’re on a yacht eating caviar out of a 14 karat gold cereal bowl. That’s just life.
The Stir- Halloween is the time for boo-scares and playful gore, creepy music and fear of the shadows — what is that behind you?! And of course, haunted houses. Some of them aren’t for the faint of heart (they even come with warning notices), but for many of us, we just have to make sure we go pee before entering so our fright doesn’t turn into red-faced embarrassment when we exit. Yikes. Onehaunted house worker, however, is accused of taking his job at scaring people to the extreme when he and a friend dressed as scary clowns tormented a mother and her high school-aged daughter along with her friends with dildos. Thirty-eight-year-old Regina Janito filed a lawsuit against haunted house employee Robert Keller, 23, and his unnamed accomplice saying that the men tormented her and her daughter and three of her daughter’s friends with dildos. Janito said that when they were about to go into the Massacre Haunted House in Montgomery, Illinois, the men dressed in bloody clown costumes attacked them.
Wait, so this guy works at the haunted house? That changes everything. When I first read the headline I thought he was just some random guy who dressed up as a bloody clown, showed up and started poking chicks with a giant purple vibrator. That would’ve been kinda weird and warranted an arrest I supposed. But he’s on the pay roll? Quit your bitching, ladies. This is what you signed up for. You didn’t go to the haunted house to have a nice dinner and to be treated with respect. You go to a haunted house to be scared shitless, and yeah, maybe get poked by a dildo or two which is probably pretty terrifying. That’s what haunted houses are all about. You go in not knowing what’s going to happen or what you’re going to see. The second you hand over your money and agree to walk into the house all bets are off. Your ability to say “I don’t want them to use these props because it makes me feel uncomfortable” effectively ends right then and there. Otherwise you might as well be going to an open house showing. That’s like going to a strip club and complaining about all the nakedness. Pay your $8 or whatever, walk into the house and be threatened with a dildo by a clown and quit crying. Enjoy yourself.
PS- How old is too old to be scared of haunted houses? I’m 25 and would rather walk into a burning building with no exit. That’s the truth. Haunted houses are fucking terrifying. I went to one as a kid and got so scared I never entered another one. Back in high school all of my friends would go to this one haunted house that was the scariest in town. I’d go with them because I had nothing else to do but instead of going in I’d stand out front, drink the bottles of water they sold for $1 and shoot the shit with Frankenstein who collected the money. Every year I’d do that. My friends would come out talking about how awesome it was and I’d have a full bladder of water. I love Halloween because of the candy and chicks wearing slutty costumes but it drops in my Holiday Power Rankings simply because of haunted houses and the emotional damage they did to me as a child.
Metro- A jilted lover has chopped off his own penis after he was dumped by his girlfriend. Oliver Ilic, 22, was told that he was no good in bed so it is claimed he mutilated himself then threw the remains in the bin. He is alleged to have told doctors that he had a small appendage and cited that as the reason why his girlfriend was no use to him. Ilic contacted emergency services when he could not stop the bleeding and was taken to hospital in the east Macedonian town town of Kocani. Police searched his house and discovered the severed organ in a bin after it had been cut off with a single swipe from a razor blade which was also lying in the bin. Doctors were initially unable to re-attach his penis but he was then transferred to the capital, Skopje, where it was reunited with his body following five hours of surgery. However they said it was still too early to know if the operation would be a success and if it would ever function properly again.
BOOOOOOOO! BOO THIS MAN! BOO HIM LOUDLY AND RAUCOUSLY! What a quitter this Oliver fella is. The going gets tough and he decides to tap out and slice off his own member with one swift motion of a razor blade. Then toss it away like it’s empty ramen noodle container. A sadder display these eyes haven’t seen in a long time. That’s probably part of his problem, no confidence. As soon as something goes wrong he takes it too far and does this. If I cut off my penis every time I failed to satisfy a woman in the bedroom I would’ve been without a dick a long time ago. I bet that goes for a lot of dudes. Lotta dudes have no clue what’s going on in there. But do we take a sharp object and perform dick surgery on ourselves afterwards? Nope, sure didn’t. Why? Because we’re not quitters like Oliver. We didn’t just give up after continually having no idea what to do during sex and leaving women completely confused and unsatisfied. We instead continued to give lackluster performances without even attempting to improve because, in all honesty, we just don’t care that much. Instead of saying to ourselves “What am I doing wrong and how can I improve?” we go the other way and think “It’s fine. I’m doing just fine. It’s okay. Hell, maybe I’m doing great?” And we think that because that’s what the girls tell us. ”You’re doing fine. It’s fine.” As long as they don’t flat out say, “This is the worst sex of all time” then I’m good. Good enough for me. Dick still attached.
PS- Big time backwards logic by Oliver after reading that his dick was re-attached. Does he think he’s going to be any better at sex now that it got some alone time? I’m gonna say no. My guess is he chops that thing off again as soon as the bandages are removed.
So good. So so good. Might be the best Between Two Ferns ever which is saying a lot because there have been some great ones. I don’t understand how they were able to keep a straight face throughout the entire thing. I don’t understand how anybody is able to keep a straight face during these things. That’s a talent in itself. When Brad’s gum fell out onto the table and Zack picked it up and put it in his mouth without missing a beat, I lost it. When he started asking about Friends and Rachel and Ross, I lost it. The whole thing was great. Do you ever think the actors and celebrities that go on there with Zack ever get legit pissed? Probably not, right? If you’re on the show you know what you’re getting into. But it would’ve been great if Brad had punched Zack in the face when he was asking him about Angelina or Jennifer Aniston. Anyway, bravo. Bravo on all parts.
“You look like Hitler’s dream.”
Happy Thursday. Enjoy your coffee. NSFW link click here.
Introducing Julie from the University of Iowa.
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