Hey. Cut that out. Right this instant. This is the internet and there are rules. Everybody is who they say they are and girls can’t use their knees to pretend they have awesome giant boobs. We’re living in a society. That society being the beautiful world of the internet. If we start letting people do things like this then it all falls apart at the seems. The internet is nothing if not a beacon of hope and honesty. What are you gonna tell me next? That the people responded dishonestly when asked “A/S/L” back in the AOL? Of course they didn’t. When presented with that question people provided how old they were, whether or not they had a dick and where their place of residence was. This fake boobs thing? It’s gotta stop. We’re putting an end to it right here and now. For the internet. This is the first time I’ve seen it but if there’s more out there please advise them to cease and desist.
WEST DES MOINES, Iowa —Authorities say they arrested an Iowa woman accused of being drunk on hand sanitizer and kicking her daughter. The Des Moines Register reports that 48-year-old Jennifer Jane Olney was charged Tuesday with child endangerment and one other crime. The West Des Moines Police Department says officers responded to a report of medication and alcohol hand sanitizer overdose at Olney’s residence. Police say they noticed she was acting aggressively and slurred her speech and determined that she couldn’t care for her daughter. According to a police report, Olney was ordered to either check herself into a hospital or turn her daughter over to human services, after which police say she kicked her daughter’s leg and pushed officers as they made the arrest. Olney’s daughter was left in her grandfather’s care.
Let’s get weird! I feel like kind of a pussy that I’ve never got drunk on hand sanitizer. This lady is from Iowa. It’s happening right in my backyard and I had no idea. Well this settles it. Bud Light is out, hand sanitizer is in. That’s what this lady just taught all of us here in the Midwest. I’d maybe skip out on the part where she kicked her daughter but that’s just me. Deciding to drink hand sanitizer makes it easier to get drunk in public too because those goddamn hand sanitizer dispensers are everywhere. You can’t walk 30 feet out in public without seeing one of those things. Well the jokes on the germaphobes. They’re not gonna think those things are such a good idea when a bunch of us get drunk off of those and puking all over their shoes.
PS- I wrote this blog after watching two llamas take over the internet and hold it hostage for a solid hour. Nothing else matters right now. Not sure you can get more peak internet than that my friends.
Oh hello there. Do you have a quarter to spare? Of course you do! And since you do that means you’re eligible to enter DraftKings’ NBA MEGA Quarter Arcade. 25 cents and you’re eligible to win $10,000 in prizes. Sound good? Of course it does. Draft your team and you’re ready to go.
GREENBRIER, Tenn. (WKRN) – A Greenbrier couple is credited with saving a puppy’s life Tuesday morning after they found the dog frozen to the ground. April Dickerson told News 2 her husband was leaving for work Tuesday when he heard a dog whining in the back yard. The dog was found under a shed. Dickerson’s husband slowly melted the ice underneath the puppy to free her from frozen ground. She said the puppy is missing a small patch of fur on her hind end. “Well usually we find rabbits or moles. We’ve never found a puppy under there,” said Dickerson. The couple said the dog was extremely hungry and went straight for the food bowl when she was brought inside. Dickerson told News 2 people often drop animals off in her Robertson County neighborhood. “I would hope that someone would have to be in extremely dire straits before they decided to just drop the puppy off,” she told News 2. The Dickersons originally planned to find a good home for the puppy and adopt her out, but since the children are becoming attached, April said now she’s considering keeping the dog. While the puppy still doesn’t have a name, the family is leaning toward “Elsa” since she was found frozen. In case the puppy was just lost, the family is also prepared to give the puppy up to its rightful owner if one comes forward.
Awesome. Bravo. Just wanted to give these fine folks a quick shout out. Did they do what every other person in the world would’ve done in this scenario? Yeah I like to think so. I mean come on, who would hear the whining of a puppy in their back yard and not go investigate? Exactly. And then find out that the little pup’s paws are frozen to the ice? Fuck that ice. Makes me want to go out side and start punching all of the ice and snow that’s piled up on my driveway. The couple sounds like good peoples. Brought the puppy in, got her all warmed up and fed her. Might even keep her it sounds like if she doesn’t belong to any one. Good looks all around. Oh and potentially naming the dog Elsa is a nice touch. Get it? Because the dog was frozen to the ground? Ahhhhh you get it.
84-Year-Old Warren Buffet Eats Like A 6-Year-Old Because, “The Lowest Death Rate Is Among Six-Year-Olds”
Fortune- How does the world’s top investor, at 84 years old, wake up every day and face the world with boundless energy? “I’m one quarter Coca-Cola,” Warren Buffett says. When he told me this in a phone call yesterday (we were talking about the death of his friend, former Coca-Cola president Don Keough), I assumed he was talking about his stock portfolio. No, Buffett explained, “If I eat 2700 calories a day, a quarter of that is Coca-Cola. I drink at least five 12-ounce servings. I do it everyday.” Perhaps only a man who owns $16 billion in Coca-Cola KO 0.62% stock—9% of Coke, through his company, Berkshire Hathaway BRK.A -0.05% —would maintain such an odd daily diet. One 12-ounce can of Coke contains 140 calories. Typically, Buffett says, “I have three Cokes during the day and two at night.” When he’s at his desk at Berkshire Hathaway headquarters in Omaha, he drinks regular Coke; at home, he treats himself to Cherry Coke. Asked to explain the high-sugar, high-salt diet that has somehow enabled him to remain seemingly healthy, Buffett replies: “I checked the actuarial tables, and the lowest death rate is among six-year-olds. So I decided to eat like a six-year-old.” The octogenarian adds, “It’s the safest course I can take.”
And that right there is the difference between Warren Buffet and the other 99.99999999% of the people living on this planet. Simply genius. Ask just about anybody how to live well into your 80s and they’ll tell you to eat healthy and exercise. WRONG. People who do that will more than likely bite the dust before 70. Ask Warren Buffet how to live into your 80s? Eat like a 6 year old because the lowest death rest is among 6 year olds. The great part is he isn’t joking. He looked it up and found that out. 6 year olds are dying less than the rest of us. Whatever they’re doing, they’re doing it right. Slamming 5 Coca-Colas a day and eating potato chips by the ton. That’s what 6 year olds do so that’s what Warren Buffet is doing. It’s so simple and kind of stupid that you can’t argue with the results. The guy is 84 years old! He’s living proof. I love how he “treats himself” to Cherry Cokes when he’s at home. Damn right Cherry Coke is a treat. Best pop running by a mile. So there ya go. If you wanna live for a long time then live like a 6 year old. Doesn’t matter what your girlfriend or spouse says about eating healthy. Warren Buffet said it was okay to eat like shit. And he’s a billionaire so he’s right.
PS- Another thing that probably helped Warren live as long as he has is the billions of dollars in his bank account. Stress is killing all of us. I can’t imagine there’s much stress in Warren’s life when his net worth is higher than most countries.
Surgeon Says He’s Planning The First-Ever Human Head Transplant, And What Will He Re-Attach The Heads With? Glue
Metro- Doctors believe they will be able to perform a head transplant within two years. No, this isn’t April Fool’s Day come early (it’s still February), it’s an Italian surgeon who says he thinks he can carry out the procedure to give people a new, healthy body. It could help patients with spinal cord injuries, muscle-wasting diseases, or people whose bodies are riddled with cancer. Dr Sergio Canavero says techniques are out there, they just need to be put together, according to the Daily Mail. The procedure would involve two patients – someone who is brain dead, and one of the above mentioned patients. Their heads would then be removed and the healthy head would go on the healthy body with the spinal cords being fused by a glue. Once it’s all stitched up, the patient would be put in a coma for four weeks to stop their head falling off. He is going to announce plans at a conference later this year and, if he gets backing, the first operation will take place in 2017.
I don’t know, man. That doesn’t seem very scientific. Well, the part about slicing off people’s heads and being able to re-attach them sounds super scientific. Like we’re living in sci-fi movie or something. It’s the part where we get to actually re-attaching the heads and the surgeon says, “Alright let’s break out the glue!” that doesn’t seem scientific at all. That sounds like an answer I’d get from my little nephew if I asked him how he’d go about re-attaching a human head to a human body. He’d think about it for three seconds and then scream, “Glue!” And that’s the answer I’d expect out of him. Because he’s a small child. It’s not the answer I’d expect from a professional surgeon who’s trying to do this for the first time ever. I want to hear about nerves and bones and atoms and anything else scientific that sounds like it could pass as somebody saying something smart. I’m not sure plopping a tray full of knives and a tub of Elmer’s next to an operating table is gonna get people rushing to volunteer for this procedure. Even the people with super horrific diseases that could be saved by such a procedure will be like, “Nope, I’m good. My life isn’t great but it’s better than not having head” I appreciate the vision behind this but back to the drawing board.
PS- How violent was your elementary school flash back when you saw that bottle of Elmer’s glue? Good luck to all the kids out there trying to keep that orange cap unclogged. It’s IMPOSSIBLE.