In Touch- Farrah Abraham is really good at balancing her careers — as a Teen Mom star and an adult film “not actress.” Like that time she wrote/performed a song called “Blowin’” — and made a music video that featured her daughter, Sophia! That said, she maaaay have taken this whole “combining her interests” thing a little too hard this week after she dressed up as Elsa, the Ice Queen from Frozen, while peddling molds of her private parts. Last weekend, contender for classiest woman in the history of the universe Farrah Abraham had a launch party at Hustler Hollywood for her new line of sex toys molded from her vagina and b-hole. And because it’s Farrah Abraham, she celebrated this momentous occasion dressed like Elsa from the incredibly popular children’s animated feature, Frozen. So I guess that’s appropriate, since putting your penis into the actual Farah Abraham is only probably slightly less hazardous than putting your penis into the Disney Princess who accidentally freezes things solid like Mr. Wizard dropping a hotdog into a vat of liquid nitrogen.
What a headline! That’s it, by the way. That right there. That headline is why a person gets into blogging. The freedom to write a ridiculous headline like that. You don’t start blogging because you think it’ll lead to wealth or health insurance or a 401k. Nope. Those things are pointless until you’re an adult and actually need them. I’m not an adult and I don’t actually need those things at the moment. But a headline that talks about an attention whore (and literal whore) promoting sex toys molded from her pussy and butt hole while dressed as Elsa from Frozen? YES! That’s why a person gets into blogging. What else can I even add to the story? Nothing. Not a single thing. Farrah did all the work and I love her for it. She’s selling molds of her asshole dressed as a Disney character. That’s as good as it gets.
PS- If you see any little kids out Trick or Treating this weekend and they’re dressed as Elsa go up to their Dad and say, “Hey your daughter is dressed like Farrah Abraham!” He’ll either know immediately who you’re talking about and punch you in the face, or he’ll Google Farrah Abraham when he gets home and want to punch you in the face and be pissed he missed his chance.
Metro- Watch the moment a woman literally jumps out of her wig when a magician makes a spider appear on her hand. She’s holding an iPhone in the palm of her hand when the man swipes his fingers across the screen and makes a digital creepy-crawly appear via the Magic Spider app. But when the woman has a go, nothing happens. Then the dastardly magician instructs her to flip her hand over. She screams in horror as a fake spider appears to be cling to the back of her hand. The arachnophobe jumps out of her skin and attacks the magician with her wig.
Dude. Fuck magicians. Seriously. Dudes like David Blaine and this guy with his spider trick freak me the hell out. I don’t like it. I don’t like knowing that magic isn’t real and then having somebody send me on a mind fuck anyway. It makes me uneasy. Like if magic was real, that’s one thing. People would be able to steal your watch or make spiders fall out of your wig because that’s magic. Magic would just be a thing. But knowing full well that magic is all bull shit and just slight of hand creeps me out in a big way. Believe it or not the reaction from the lady in the video might’ve been too calm for my taste. Yes she took off her wig and started beating the dude with it. Yes she screamed bloody murder and even left the room she was so scared. Not enough. Not near enough. Doesn’t help that I’m deathly afraid of spiders I guess. You pull a magic trick where you make a spider appear on my hand, I’m knocking you out cold. That’s how it goes. It’s that I’m a tough guy either. It’s that I really REALLY fucking hate spiders and I fucking hate magicians. They think they’re so cool and mysterious. Buncha assholes. I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!
One of the funniest reaction gifs of all time though. David Blaine fucking with a bunch of kids and it blows their mind in such a way that they all just take off running. Classic.
If we know one thing about Kim Jon-un it’s that he loves cheese. Can’t hate on that. I love cheese too. You can put it on almost anything and it instantly improves it. Almost like magic. If we know two things about Kim Jon-un it’s that he loves cheese and he also loves firing squads. Not only does he love firing squads but he loves using them. Just recently he had a bunch of dudes gunned down for watching soap operas. What do you think he’ll do with the person who placed stuffed animals so it looked like they were fucking in the background of a picture he’s in? Yep, I’m gonna guess firing squad. And by guess I meant guarantee. Or maybe Kim will flip the script and have so much respect for the balls on the person that set it up he’ll let them live and make them royalty in North Korea. Or maybe he’ll send them to the firing squad because that’s 100% what he’s going to do. For what it’s worth, I thought the stuffed animals fucking was funny. So good job, Anonymous Soon-To-Be-Riddled-With-Bullets North Korea person. Anything for a laugh.
PS- It could’ve been an accident. The stuffed animals might’ve been put there with malicious intent. But do you think that’s gonna stop somebody from punching a one way ticket to the firing squad? Exactly.
CBS Sports- Gary Player is a golf legend who rarely shies away from dispensing his knowledge upon the current greats of the game. Rory McIlroy found this out last year when Player encouraged him to “find the right wife.” Now Player has some advice for Tiger Woods. In a recent interview with Graham BensingerPlayer said he just needs one minute to turn Woods around. ”Tiger is the most talented golfer that ever lived, without a question. Will he come back as a champion? I really hope so, because the game needs Tiger Woods.” ”But would I love to sit down with him for one minute and give him a piece of my knowledge. There’s a reason why he’s not the same Tiger Woods anymore. There’s a reason. And I reckon I could get those things across to him that would make a massive change because I’ve got so much experience, which will take him another 40, 50 years to get.”
Talk about a sales pitch! One minute?! That’s all? Sold! Sold simply because that claim is so ridiculous and so outrageous it needs to be heard. It takes some serious old man South African balls from Gary (obviously a legend of the game) to be like “Oh one of the most successful and most talented golfers in the history of the world is having a tough time? Well give me 60 seconds with him and he’ll be good as new.” Hilarious, awesome and enticing all at the same time. Was Gary a shrewd business man in another life? Because that’s how you sell a product. What sage advice could Gary Player possibly tell Tiger Woods in one minute that would put Tiger back on track to winning majors and finally chasing down Jack? I don’t know the answer to that question but now I want to know the answer. The whole world wants the answer to that question now. And I bet Tiger does too. That’s why it’s a great sales pitch. So much mystery and intrigue that Tiger almost doesn’t have a choice but dial Gary’s number ASAP. If for nothing else other than pure human curiosity. It helps that Tiger is probably desperate enough to make that phone call right about now. No coach, no Ryder Cup and no majors since 2008. He needs all the help he can get at this point. And if the a dive sucks? It was only a minute.
How could you not trust this guy though?
What if it worked? What if it really worked? What if Gary and Tiger decided to meet at a coffee shop one morning. Tiger gets there first and grabs a table. Sits there for a while until he sees Gary’s car pull up. Gary gets out, comes in the coffee shop and sits down with a timer. A 60 second timer. Gary starts the timer and lays all of the worldly golf and life knowledge imaginable on young Eldrick and simply walks out when the timer dings. He was there from 9:00- to 9:01 and then he’s gone. Like a ghost. And boom Tiger starts rattling off majors again. Dethrones young buck Rory and reclaims the title as Best Golfer On The Planet. I want to live in a world where that happens because I love Tiger Woods. I love Rory too but Tiger was my first love.
A sweaty fat guy, note cards and a hash tag that will forever live in infamy. That’s what the World Series ended up being about last night. What a world. No complaints here. As I stated earlier, watching Rikk Wilde and his shenanigans is the hardest I’ve laughed in a good long while. I really like this move by Chevy though. Instead of completely ignoring the part where one of your employees made a fool of himself on national television after the World Series you roll with the punches and acknowledge it. Kinda sucks for Rikk since this is what now defines him and his company is using the hash tag to further perpetuate the joke. But whatever. That’s not the important thing. The important thing is that Chevy Guy exists and that moment will always exist and it was perfect.
ABC News- Crash-test dummies are undergoing a makeover to reflect the thicker waistlines and larger rear ends of Americans. “Studies show that obese drivers are 78 percent more likely to die in a car crash,” said Chris O’ Connor, CEO of Humanetics, the only U.S. producer of the dummies. O’Conner said crash-test dummies are now typically modeled after a person who weighs about 167 pounds with a healthy body mass index. His company is designing new dummies based on the measurements of a 270-pound person with a BMI of 35, which the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, as well as other health groups, consider morbidly obese. O’Conner said seat belts, air bags and other safety features are designed for thinner people and don’t fit heavier people the same way. “Typically you want someone in a very tight position with their rear against the back of the seat and the seat belt tight to the pelvis,” O’Conner explained. “An obese person has more mass around midsection and a larger rear which pushes them out of position. They sit further forward and the belt does not grasp the pelvis as easily.”
America! Fuck yeah! You can look at this one of two ways. One, America is fat as fuck now and it’s disgusting. We’re all disgusting. We sweat when we eat. Our hearts beg for mercy when we slam down multiple Rodeo burgers. Diabetes is real. More people die from heart disease than any other cause. We’re so fucking fat now that car companies are forced to throw weighted jackets on crash test dummies to accurately understand what happens when our fat ass eating a Big Mac gets into a head-on collision with another fat ass eating a Big Mac. Michelle Obama is right. Kids need more exercise and healthier school lunches. Obesity is an epidemic that needs to be stopped and needs to be stopped immediately. That’s the first way to look at this. Kind of a downer. Makes me feel bad about all the Halloween candy I’ve already scarfed down this week. The second way to look at it is more America’s style. We’re the most powerful country in the world, we’re an affluent country (ignore all the debt to China because it doesn’t fit this narrative). We’ll eat whatever and how much of whatever we want. Bring on the desserts and late-night runs to the gas station for snacks. It’s one of the perks of being king. We’re the big swinging dick on this planet, we’ve fought wars to prove it. So let us get as fat as we want. You mad? Come do something about it. You won’t. Will this second view of Americans being fat as fuck have consequences down the road? Probably. Donnnnnnn’t caaaaaaaaare. We’re living in the here and now. You might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Eat everything in sight. So car companies better order the Fat Bastard Edition weight jackets because this blubber train ain’t stopping any time soon.