Metro- As part of the charity drive Martin was offering GOT readers the chance to win an in-book death in return for a whopping £20,000 donation to the Wild Spirit Wolf Sanctuary in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Sadly 13-year-old Jack didn’t have the funds to fulfill his dream of a ‘martyr’s death’ but donated £153 to the cause anyway. In his letter to Martin, Jack said that the Wolf Conservation Trust near Reading was one of his favourite places in the UK. He also admitted that he wasn’t allowed to watch ‘certain bits’ of the show but said a ‘gruesome grizzly death is all I ask for.’ Martin’s Prizeo campaign has raised more than £260,000 so far — more than double its initial goal. And while the two ill-fated ‘martyr’ characters available for The Winds Of Winter book were handed out elsewhere, fans can still pay for the opportunity to have brunch with Martin for £7,500.
So there’s obviously more to this story than just a 13 year old kid writing in to George RR Martin asking to get brutally killed in one of his books. Turns out the kid, like George, loves wolves and is interested in the preservation of them. It’s super cool of the kid to offer up all of the money he has for the cause. Way to go, young one. I’m more interested in the trend of people asking/begging to be killed off by a 65 year old author who writes books. It’s the weirdest and coolest thing to come out of Game of Thrones. People dropping big money for it to happen. We’re talking 5 figures people are putting down to get their head lopped off or a sword shoved through their face. It’s become such a thing that I don’t even know what to compare it to. But I love it. Maybe it’d be like people begging to be roasted on Comedy Central or something. Would you pay money to get ripped to shreds by a bunch of celebrities? I’m sure some people would. You know what I would want? I’d want in-his-prime Eminem to write a rap diss about me. Maybe we’d sit down for a few hours, I’d tell him my life story, all my faults, how I’m fat and lazy and a piece of shit. And then he’d ‘write a rap diss about me. That’d be awesome. That’d be my version of getting killed off by George RR Martin in a book. Em just flat out humiliating me in a song. That’d be a dream come true. Open up the bidding, Marshall. I have like $20.
Here’s how George responded.
So 13 year old Jack won’t be killed off but George donated a shit ton of money to a organization in Jack’s name. Good on you, George. All around good story.
Eminem- Hit me up if you wanna make this happen. I’m a piece of shit so the rap would be super easy to write. Thanks.
“You want me to be a wind up today? Done! You got it! Anything for my favorite people in the world. In fact, I’ve never been happier to do something in my life. Wind up my back legs and when you let go I’ll spin myself so fast I might take flight. Watch me do it. It’s gonna be awesome.” That’s the dog talking by the way. He’s up for anything because dogs are the shit. Want him to pretend he’s a toy? He’ll do it. All day every day.
Do this to cat and it shits in your face and scratches up your hands when you try to wind up its legs.
Metro- Ever heard of a Cuchini? No neither had we. But the disturbingly named underwear pad has been silently waging a war against that well-known fashion faux-pas, the camel toe, for years. And now, thanks to Bravo’s latest reality show, Game Of Crowns, which follows beauty queens competing in Mrs USA pageants, the underground beauty secret has been blown wide open. The Cuchini, which has the tag line ‘our lips are sealed’ (grim), is a reusable, adhesive triangular pad that women put in their knickers or bikini bottoms for a smoother appearance. One of the stars of Game Of Crowns, Lynne Diamante (yes, Diamante), explains the need for the Cuchini: ‘If you’re in a swimsuit competition, the swimsuit competition suits are usually tiny and tight. The judges are below you and the audiences is below you.’ Enough said, right?
What the hell? Back the truck up. I’m not saying the makers and marketers of this product are taking a direct shot at me with these but they for sure are. You don’t think they’ve seen me putting toes on blast for the last 6 months? Get your head in the real world. These people want me out of business. What they don’t seem to understand is that Better Know A Camel Toe is a celebration of the female body. Nothing more. It’s taken the masses by storm. I’ll only say this once, any girl who decides to wear a Cuchini is running away from their own natural beauty. Simple as that. Am I worried? I don’t know, maybe a little bit. These better not become a thing. Finding pictures of a girl’s bikini getting eaten by her lips isn’t always easy. These will make it even less easy. Then again, maybe I’m getting worked up about nothing. Sounds like the product has been around for awhile now so maybe girls would just rather show off the goods as opposed to buying a cuhcini and hiding them. That’s what I’ll be telling myself at least.
PS- If we’re being totally honest here, “Our Lips Are Sealed” is a FANTASTIC tag line for the product. Genius stuff. But still, fuck them.
Mail- Police are on the hunt for three thieves who broke into a Florida restaurant, stripped naked and took off with 60 hamburgers, three pounds of bacon and three red peppers. Authorities in Bonita Springs have released security footage showing the three men, who appear to be of college age, as they raid Doc’s Beach House around 3am on Sunday, July 20. They are hoping someone recognizes the fearless trio, whom one waitress branded, ‘Dumb, dumber and dumbest’, the News-Press reported. The footage shows the men – two completely naked and one in underwear – breaking in to the restaurant and roaming around the kitchen area before selecting the hamburgers and bell peppers. At one point, one of the men spots a camera pointing at them and attempts to turn it away – unaware that another camera is nearby recording their every move. The men then apparently fled on foot and headed towards the Collier County line – leaving a trail of red peppers along the beach behind them.
Epic case of the munchies here. The article doesn’t say what caused these three dudes to run up in a restaurant in the middle of the night but if weed wasn’t involved then I don’t know anything. Or they lost a bet. One of the two. They would’ve been gold too if it weren’t for those pesky surveillance cameras. Those will get you every time. It’s almost like restaurants and banks put them up in places to catch criminals. Buncha assholes. Oh, and the trail of red peppers they left along the beach behind them probably didn’t help. But what do I know, the article still says they haven’t found these guys yet. Remember in Billy Madison when Chris Farley and Norm Macdonald steal thirty bagged lunches and have a ball eating them beside the school bus? That’s how I envision these three dudes right about now. Just sitting somewhere on the beach and enjoying those 60 hamburgers and 3 pounds of bacon more than any of us have ever enjoyed anything.
YES. Finally technology put to hilarious use. I mean, it’s not hilarious that workers at the store kept following a black kid around a store. That’s actually fucked up. But it is hilarious that this kid decided to fuck with them and make funny vines out of a shitty situation. The last frame of the lady in the second vine is laugh out loud funny. He’s talking about how he’s been getting followed around and lo and behold here comes that fat lady wheeling around the corner to see if the black kid is shoving his pockets full of stolen goods. She knew it too. Immediate U-Turn. You couldn’t script it any better than that. To the cell phone addicted youth, more clever uses of technology like this and less mirror selfies. Thanks. And hey maybe this will stop some store workers from profiling black people as soon as they step through the door. Nahh, just kidding. It won’t. But funny stuff nonetheless.
Daily Mail- A Scottish woman walked around with a five-inch sex toy inside her for 10 years without realising, doctors have reported. The 38-year-old woman arrived at hospital complaining of severe weight loss, shaking and lethargy. She had also experienced mild incontinence for ‘a few weeks’. On further examination, doctors were shocked to discover a strange foreign body protruding into her bladder from her vagina. Surgical removal of the item at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary revealed it to be a five inch (11cm)-long sex toy. Medical staff were even more taken back when the woman revealed she had used the sex toy with her partner ten years ago. She also admitted she was under the influence of alcohol at the time – and claimed she couldn’t remember removing it or not. The woman had a normal IQ, no signs of depression or psychosis and had not been subject to any abuse, according to the case report. But the sex toy had caused her potentially life-threatening damage.
I want to understand this story but I just can’t. I’m not saying I’ve gotten drunk and not done something stupid. That’s the opposite of what I’m saying. I’ve gotten drunk and done tons of stupid stuff. I’ve gotten drunk and left a frozen pizza in the oven. I’ve gotten drunk and forgot to take out my contacts out. But the difference between those two instances and the one that happened to this chick is that the consequences of those instances eventually forced themselves to be handled. Leave a pizza in the oven? Your apartment fills up with smoke and alarms go off. Forget to take you contacts out? You make up the next morning and want to kill yourself because you can barely open you eyes on top of feeling like your head got hit by a train.* It sounds like this girl got drunk, got a little freaky with her partner, sex toys got involved and whoops they forgot to take it out. I don’t know shit about the anatomy of a woman but shouldn’t that problem correct itself? The fact that she didn’t wake up and say, “I’m very uncomfortable. What did we do last night?” and then check her pussy for a five inch sex toy gives me less faith in the human body. That’s all I’m saying. And for it to be that way for 10 years is bonkers.
*Back when I wore contacts my biggest fear was getting drunk and leaving them in. I didn’t think it’d blind me if I did it, I just hated the feeling that much. It happened a couple times and I’d be so mad at myself in the morning. However, I will say the feeling of taking your contacts out after sleeping in them is as close to heaven as I’ll ever get. Pure release.
A little confusing but I still say Snoop smoked weed in the White House. Why? Because he’s Snoop Dogg and this actually sounds like something he would do. The story is just crazy enough that I believe it. Lighting a napkin on fire to get the “aroma right” is something I’ll be trying. And as far as I’m concerned the bathroom of the White House is still the White House. There’s the infamous story of Willie Nelson smoking weed on the roof of the White House while Jimmy Carter was in office. The torch (pun intended) has officially been passed (more puns). Now the biggest weed smoking musician of our time has done it. It only feels right. Name a cooler cat than Snoop, you can’t. If you don’t like him I don’t know what to tell you. You don’t even have to like his music. Him as a celebrity personality is just about the best. His performance at the Flava Flav roast is an all timer. Look it up some time if you’ve never seen it.