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ST. TAMMANY PARISH, La. —A call to 911 is always used when someone needs an ambulance or police officer, but not when they need a woman. But that’s what St. Tammany authorities say happened on Saturday. According to a news release from the St. Tammany Parish Sheriff’s Office, Kareem Collins called 911 on Saturday night and told dispatchers he “needed a woman.” “We are guessing he wasn’t looking for one to come and run his criminal history, but that is what he got,” the Sheriff’s Office said. The responding deputy discovered that Collins was a non-compliant convicted sex offender, meaning he didn’t notify authorities when he moved from New Orleans to Slidell. While police didn’t bring him a woman he said he needed, they did bring him to the parish jail, where he was arrested on charges of failure to register for a change of address.

How big of an idiot does Kareem feel like like right now?  If it wasn’t pitiful enough that he was so lonely that the idea of calling 911 sounded good to him but it somehow slipped his mind that he was an unregistered sex offender.  Just like, “Oh yeah, that sex offender thing.  Is that a big deal?”  I feel like that’s not an easy thing to forget.  That’s not like forgetting to pick up milk at the store or forgetting to check if a picture was taken this year before you blog it.  Those are small things.  Forgetting that you’re an unregistered sex offender and the basically calling the cops on yourself isn’t a small thing.  And has Kareem never heard of hookers?  Maybe he just dialed the wrong number.  If he’s never heard of hookers somebody needs to tell him that there’s a always-boming business that pretty much depends on people calling and telling them they need a woman.  Clean it up Kareem.  You’re better than this.

PS- I bet the cop who was quoted as saying “We are guessing he wasn’t looking for a woman to come and run his criminal history, but that is what he got” is so fucking proud of himself right now.  Like yep, nailed that joke.  Probably went home and beat off to that quote.